The Edward Diaries
by Hockey-Girl32
Summary: Bella discovers Edward's journal. What will this reveal about Edward and can their relationship survive? Drunk Bella on a trampoline, Emmett's race to Canada and Edward's gangsta rap all included! hilarious and out of control! rated T. ExB
1. Chapter 1

**The Edward Diaries**

**Summary: When Bella discovers Edward's journal, will their relationship survive? Drunk Bella, Trampolines and Emmett's race to Canada. Rated T. May be M later on. Out of control! ExB**

**This is written by Catriona and Claire. Yes we know this fanfic is totally crazy and out of control but we decided we had to write this because WE thought it was hilarious!**

**Thank you to Sarah for helping.**

**By the way Edward's diary won't actually be appearing for another few chapters so be patient!**

**All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

Bella slowly opened her eyes and rolled over. Her eyes moved slowly from her beloved cactus, to her naked Barbie to the eyes of the one she loved.

"Did you sleep well, my love? You were talking in your sleep. Again."

"Oh no, what did I say?" asked Bella worriedly.

"Oh nothing really my love, just your usual inappropriate mutterings about myself."

Bella had been totally unaware of this last sentence as throughout Edward's monologue she had been subtly edging closer to Edward. He turned his head towards her to find her face inches from his. Edward didn't need to read her mind to know what she was thinking.

"No Bella, you know my view on this matter," said Edward sternly, edging away from the desperate Bella. She ignored these instructions and continued to shuffle closer.

"Bella stop pushing this!" said Edward angrily.

"I'm not pushing THIS Edward, I'm pushing ME towards YOU!"

Edward jumped from the bed, and went to stand by the window to clear his thoughts. The next thing he knew he heard Bella behind him and turned, to catch a quick glimpse of Bella's mischievous smile.

Before he had time to react, Bella's arms were around his neck; and her legs were around his waist. Edward stumbled backwards muttering "no, Bella no".

Bella, completely unaware of his mutterings, took the movement of his lips as a sign he wanted to kiss her. Within a second, Bella was undoubtedly sexually assaulting him.

After a couple of minutes of struggling to remove Bella's lips from his, Edward succeeded in throwing Bella onto her bed. Bella let out a long, exasperated sigh before mumbling, "that was so worth it."

"Good God, Bella! Have I not made this clear enough? We will not be intimate with each other until after marriage. Don't make me impose a three foot rule!"

"God, Edward, you're so uptight! Jacob would be more than happy with this..." Bella sighed.

Edward let out a growl, too quiet for Bella to hear.

Before she could blink, Edward's murderous face was in front of hers.

"Never mention his name in my presence again!"

"Did you know that when you're angry, it's a real turn on..."

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU GOD FORSAKEN HUSSY... WAIT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN FULLY CLOTHED; YOU'RE SOLELY IN YOUR UNDERGARMENTS!"

"Don't say you don't like it..."

"I DON'T!" screamed Edward.

Bella once again sighed and rolled onto her front. Edward looked her up and down, glaring.

Under his breath he whispered, "your behind looks rather large in those undergarments."

"What?" Bella asked, clueless.

"I said, erm... I'm going hunting with the family. Emmett will be close by; I'll be back late tomorrow."

"Do you have to go?" Bella asked, pouting childishly.

"YES BELLA, I DO! DO YOU WANT ME TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD?!" Shouted Edward.

"Well as long as you were on top of me as you did it....how could I object?"

"I'M LEAVING!"

"Fine, but come here so I can give you a good bye kiss."

"GOOD. BYE!" Shouted Edward so loudly that the room shook, and he jumped swiftly out the window.

"_Drama queen,_" muttered Bella.

Edward's enraged face reappeared. "I. CAN. STILL. HEAR. YOU!" And with that, he left.

A few moments later, Charlie burst through Bella's door. "Bella, did you have someone in here?"

"No," replied Bella innocently, with a sweet smile.

"I distinctly heard the words "undergarments, good" and "hussy"; is there something you want to tell me?"

"I was reading aloud, do you have a problem with that?" she replied, holding up her battered copy of _Wuthering Heights_.

Charlie sighed, "I'll see you for dinner at the diner, Bella." And closed the door.

Bella rolled over and went to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok everyone here it is! Chapter 2! It's much longer so enjoy! Please read and review!**

**All characters belong to Stephanie meyer**

The next morning, Bella was working her English creative essay. The floor was strewn with balls of crumpled paper, each one detailing slight variations of the story of a young girl and her teenage vampire lover as they *cough*consummated*cough* their relationship. However, Bella had been ignorant to the fact that Emmett had been reading over her shoulder, trying not to laugh, for the past half an hour.

Bella turned her head slightly to spot Emmett doing keepie-uppies with one of her crumpled essays.

"24,306; 24,307; 24,308;..." Emmett murmured under his breath.

"Emmett, why are you in my house!?" Bella screamed.

"Do you know that writing a memoir at 17 is quite ridiculous?"

"It's not a memoir."

"But you would do anything to make it one, isn't that right Bella?" Emmett said with a smirk.

Bella blushed and ignored his comment. "What do you want, Emmett?"

"Well, I'm bored of playing football with your X-rated vampire novel. I think you should call it Forks... or SPOONS! HA HA HA HA HA!" screamed Emmett, rolling about on the floor with laughter. After Bella had glared at him for a few minutes, Emmett composed himself.

"Since the co-inhabitant of your bedroom is off snacking on mountain lions, I thought you would want to spend the day with me, at DA KULLEN CRIB!"

"And why would I want to do that? What's in it for me?"

"Stories about Edward," Bella rolled her eyes, unconvinced, "...and sex," Bella's eyes lit up with sudden interest.

"Okay," Bella replied quickly. "Let's go."

After grabbing her coat, Bella jumped eagerly into Emmett's waiting Jeep and after an eventful drive where Emmett almost ran over Mike Newton, they arrived at the Cullen's house.

Emmett collapsed onto the sofa, and after grabbing a cup of water from the kitchen, Bella sat opposite him. "So what were these stories about Edward you were talking about?"

"Well, you and Edward seem very serious so i think you need to be better informed about Edward and his sexual experiences." Said Emmett, trying, and failing, to hide his grin. At the mention of Edward's "_sexual experiences_", Bella sprayed the water she was drinking all over Emmett.

"Eeeew! Human germs!" screamed Emmett.

"Sorry!" Muttered Bella.

"Okay, okay, I'll get to my point. Well it's no secret in our family, that you want to take your relationship with Edward to the next level, and i don't mean getting a puppy."

"Well, I suppose so..." Bella muttered coyly.

"Bella, you must understand that Edward, as Esme puts it, is 'fragile'. He is a 107 year-old virgin. Something is _seriously_ wrong with him."

"Come, on Emmett he has two medical degrees, he knows what is going on!"

"Bella, when he enrolled in his first degree, when asked about reproduction he answered, 'When a mummy and Daddy love each other very much, they have a special hug, and then the stork brings them a baby'. Do you understand now?"

Bella sat open mouthed in disbelief.

"When he enrolled in his first French degree he asked the teacher what 'voulez – vous coucher avec moi, ce soir', meant.

Bella's mouth dropped open further. "Are you serious?!"

"If it wasn't for his mindreading abilities, he would never have found out what the bases were or what women looked like naked as he is too much of a prude to look at any women wearing anything shorter than ankle – length skirts. But don't worry, he said the women he saw were wearing, 'pantaloons'." Said Emmett with a snigger.

Bella managed to collect herself and said, "well, you can't blame him Emmett, I mean he's a gentleman, and he's never had any other girl friend." Confident of her explanation of Edward's lack of experience.

"_That you know of..." _said Emmett, giggling to himself quietly.

"What. Did. You. Say." Hissed Bella menacingly.

"ha ha ha ha, so i'm guessing he didn't tell you about Esmeralda."

"Esmeralda? As in the Disney character?"

"Who? Bella, I was born in 1915. The Walt Disney Company only formed in 1923; with a black and white Mickey mouse. Do you really think that's fun to watch? I preferred to go to the local convent and watch the nuns beat the Sunday school children with sticks."

"Okaay...So you were saying....Esmeralda....EDWARD'S PAST LOVER!"

"Calm down Bella, he knew her for only a few weeks before he was changed and it was not considered appropriate to even touch the opposite sex in the those days."

"Oh well, i suppose it's okay then. I mean its not like she was pretty, right, i bet she was U.G.L.Y! AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE NO ALIBY, SHE UGLY, YEAH, YEAH, SHE UGLY, YEAH YEAH. OH MY GOD AND THE COW GOES MOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Bella hysterically, jumping up and down on the sofas only to fall over due to her leg being encased in a cast.

"Well, actually she was the most beautiful woman in all of Chicago, but you wouldn't be interested in that..."

At this news, Bella flew into a girly hormonal crying fit. "WHAT! NOOOOOOOOO! OH MY GOD! HE JUST DOESN'T LOVE ME EMMETT! WHY?! WHY?! WHY CAN'T I MAKE HIM LOVE ME?!" after this outburst Bella collapsed, sobbing, onto the couch.

Emmett did not know how to deal with this and gently patted Bella on the shoulder, saying, "there there, there there." This only made Bella cry harder. This display of human emotion sent Emmett over the edge and he went to get the emergency Bella kit from the kitchen.

Vodka.

Emmett quickly handed Bella a mug of Vodka and when she spluttered at its strong taste Emmett persuaded her it was due to the 'quality of the local water'.

After sitting for ten minutes sipping her vodka, Bella started to change. She stopped crying, wiped her face, and became completely and utterly drunk.

Bella attempted to stand but her normally dismal balance was accentuated by the amount of Vodka she had consumed and she fell into Emmett's lap.

"Emmett," Bella said, straight faced as she stared into his eyes. "You, are a very special person."

Emmett struggled to hold in a snort and said, "You know Bella, i think it's time for....THE TRAMPOLINE!"

"YOU GOT A TRAMPOLINE! SSSSSSUPER!" Screamed Bella, slurring her words badly.

"Yeah! Rosalie got it for me last week!"

"Cool! Lets go!" Bella sprinted toward the sliding glass doors seriously hindered by her broken leg, unaware that they were, in fact, closed. Bella ran head first into the glass pane and instead of bouncing off it, just slid slowly down the glass, her face dragging. She sat on the floor staring open mouthed at her reflection. Bella raised her hand and gasped when her reflection did the same.

"ohmygod Emmett! There's a girl out here that looks jusssst like me! We're like ss... ssss...ssynchronised!

"Okay Bella i said trampoline not talk like a lunatic to your own reflection. Come on!" Emmett picked Bella up and strode towards the trampoline placed in the middle of the Cullen's lawn while Bella waved good bye to the glass door and shouted, "You're a very special person!"

After ten minutes of jumping manically and receiving many bruises and sprains not to mention seriously damaging her broken leg, Bella became bored. She sat down on the edge of the trampoline, swaying slightly.

"Emmett! Letssss play truth or dare!"

"Yeah! Okay!"

"Hmmmm... Emmett..... I dare you to try and run to Canada and back in under one hour!

"yes! Watch this!" Emmett disappeared into the forest. "I'll be back before you know it!" he yelled back.

Alone in the Cullen's house Bella made a bee line for Edward's room. After staggering up two flights of stairs and only adding to her growing collection of bruises, Bella made it to her true love's bedroom. **Which has a door. Of course. It's plain stupid for someone not to have a door to their bedroom. It makes no sense! Isn't that right makers of the twilight movie! Okay, back to the story.**

Bella was beginning to feel uncomfortable in the deathly silent house and so wandered over to Edward's C.D player and turned it on.

The first song that came on was "We are family" by the Spice Girls, but Edward had re-recorded his own version. Bella was feeling more ill by the minute.

"_We are family,_

_And I got all the Cullens with me!_

_We are family,_

_With Jasper, Alice and Rosalie!"_

This song unnerved Bella and even in her drunk state she could understand how creepy and gay it was. She skipped to the next song. It was worse. Edward's version of gangsta rap.

"Yo, yo, yo! Dis is MC Cullen, mother fudgers,

Eddie givin' ya sum straight up gangsta rap wit sum beets!

Got a new girlfriend,

She really fugly,

She smell so good,

But she so horny,

But she's human, dawwgs,

So we can't be together,

Cos sex equals marriage,

I'll be stuck with her forever!

WORD!"

Luckily for Edward, Bella was too shocked that Edward was gangsta rapping at all to concentrate on the hurtful lyrics. Deeply scarred, she skipped to the next track.

After a lot of white noise she heard Edward, "Testing! Testing! 1, 2, 3! Ok, here we go! Woo!"

After many claps and a catchy beat, Edward began his song.

"Stop!

Don't touch me there!

This is my private square

R.A.P.E!

Get Bella away from me!"

*white noise*

"This is dedicated to all my homies out there, Jasper, Emmett and you know who you are, Esmeralda."

**Author's note: This is set to a rhyme i can't describe but it's very catchy! Don't judge us!**

Bella gasped, backing away from the stereo that had offended her so greatly but forgot about her broken leg. With a shout of pain she stumbled forward, tripped over Edward's sofa and fell into his shelves holding his beloved c.d.s

Unbeknown to Bella, there was an open envelope on the floor which Edward was using to send away to a record company. He was planning to send away some of his piano compositions. But her fall knocked a copy of the C.D in the stereo into the envelope. The C.D containing Edward's _other _ compositions. Cheesy, gangsta and anti-Bella compositions.

Somewhere remote in the Rockies, Alice had a vision. And burst into hysteric laughter.

Bella, meanwhile had spotted a non descript brown leather bound notebook that had fallen from the shelves. Being her drunk, inquisitive self, she dragged her broken leg over, and picked it up.

She opened the page to find, in Edward's writing_, "This journal belongs to Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, KEEP OUT!"_ Bella grinned and was about to start reading it when the front door slammed shut, and she heard Emmett shout;

"TOLD YOU I'D BE BACK! 59 MINUTES AND 59 SECONDS! YEAH! WOO!"

Bella quickly looked around the room, found a hand bag she had left a few weeks ago and slipped Edward's diary inside, and rolled the down the stairs to see Emmett.

"Okay Bella, Edward is going to be home soon, and you are HAMMERED! Lets go before he kills me!"

Emmett bundled her into the car and spent the entire journey shouting at Bella, "Don't you dare puke on my seats! They're Italian! And whenever he wasn't doing that he glanced anxiously in the wing mirror, terrified of Edward catching him.

Emmett pulled up to Bella's house, dumped her drunk, giggling form onto the front step, rang the door bell and ran off.

Charlie waddled to the door, angry at being woken at 2 in the morning and found Bella lying half-conscious on the door step.

"Bella! Where have you been?! I have been so worried! I'm grounding you for this!" shouted Charlie, his face quickly becoming purple.

"Well dad, you see, there was magic water, and trampolines, and he went to Canada! And the song was weird! It was Edwa-." Bella suddenly stopped talking as she spotted the frying pan lying on the kitchen counter. She wrenched herself from Charlie's grasp and walked over to it.

She picked it up, held it in front of her face, stared at it, and said;

"Have a nice day!"

Charlie stared worriedly at Bella. "Bella, dear, what have you been drinking?!"

"water."

"right..." said Charlie, obviously disbelieving.

Bella turned, put her hands on either side of Charlie's face, stared into his eyes and said;

"Dad. I Think you are a very special perss.... persssss...ssss-" Her speech was once again cut off as her expression suddenly turned worryingly green and she started to wretch.

"no...Bella, NO!" screamed Charlie trying desperately to escape from in front of Bella's mouth.

Bella seemed to recover herself for a second before a spew of Vodka and last night's dinner covered Charlie's face.

Bella muttered "sssssssorry" and dragged her self drunkenly up to her room.

Ten minutes later Edward returned from his hunt desperate to see his one true love. However what he found was Bella sprawled fully clothed, across her bed which was covered in vomit. Her face was sweaty and she rolled over in her sleep and started to recite obscene descriptions of what she wanted to do to Edward.

Horrified, Edward sighed, muttered, "I. Can't. Deal. With. This," and he left, slamming the window on his way out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone! Hope you enoyed the last 2 chapters! Here's numero 3! Don't worry have plenty more crazy antics in this chapter! :)**

**Please Rand R**

**All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer**

The next morning Bella awoke feeling like death. Her head was pounding, she felt sick to the pit of her stomach and her hygiene, well the less said about that the better. She stumbled out of bed and into the shower eventually managing to scrub herself clean. Bella dressed in her favourite extremely, low cut top and her shortest skirt. She had plans for Edward.

She quickly took some aspirin to combat her hangover and sat down at the breakfast table feeling too ill to eat. Luckily for Bella, Charlie had already left for work ; he had a big day ahead of him, giving Grannies speeding tickets. As she cleared up the breakfast stuff she noticed a folded piece of paper lying on the counter that was addressed to her.

_Bella,_

_I have had ENOUGH!_

_You came home last night completely inebriated!_

_Now it's this on top of running off to Phoenix and falling through a bloody window!_

_From here on in you are GROUNDED! You are not to leave this house all day!_

_Especially not with THAT BOY!_

_Much love,_

_Daddy_

Bella sat for a few moments contemplating a day spent without Edward, and decided it would kill her. She justified her actions by telling herself that it was Emmett who had spiked her drink, so therefore HIS fault.

In minutes Bella had jumped into her truck, gunned the thunderous engine, only to discover that she STILL had a broken leg. Uh oh. As Bella sat depressed in her truck she spotted a flyer pinned underneath her windscreen wiper.

FORK'S FIRST SHUTTLE BUS - EVER!

LEAVING FROM THE ROAD THAT HAS NOT BEEN USED IN 50 YEARS

WITH NUMEROUS EXITING STOPS SUCH AS THE FORKS TIMBER MUSEUM AND THE GIANT BEAR STATUE

LAST STOP: JUST OUTSIDE CREEPY MANSION IN FOREST THAT EVERYONE FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND AND WE DON'T KNOW WHY.

PICKS UP AT 11 A.M

Bella's face lit up and she checked the time – it was 10 50. Without wasting another second she started to stumble, dragging her broken leg, down the street.

Eventually Bella reached the bus stop with seconds to spare and fell on board with as much grace as a lorry.

The attractions of Forks whizzed and by the time they were approaching the Cullen's house, she was the only person on the dilapidated bus.

She stumbled her way up the Cullen's drive and when she came close, Edward heard her approaching and ran out to meet her.

Their earlier fight was forgotten and Edward picked her up to save her battered leg, and planted a kiss on her cheek. However Edward's initial pleasure at Bella's arrival soon started to fade.

_Hmm... she's getting heavier..._ Edward thought to himself.

"Bella, could you wear any less clothing if you tried?" asked Edward tensely, looking Bella up and down with a stern look on his face.

"Yeah! Duh! How about if I wear nothing at all? Would you be more comfortable then?" Bella said, trying to be seductive, and failing, miserably.

Edward tried to pull her skirt down but failed, and eventually started to walk back towards the house.

Bella greeted all the Cullens and was about to sit down on the sofa when Edward said,

"Bella, can we go up to my room? I need to talk to you."

Emmett childishly went, "oooo! Bella's in trouble! Ha ha ha!"

Edward carried Bella upstairs and sat her down on his sofa. He then went to stand on the opposite side of the room, facing her, to prevent her from sexually assaulting him. Again.

"Bella, I know you were totally drunk last night! It was very immature of you! You are only 17 and so cannot legally drink! "

Bella immediately defended herself, "Edward, I didn't choose to drink! Emmett told me that the mug of vodka was water!"

Edward looked sceptical and listened to Emmett's thoughts, and, sure enough, he was thinking about getting Bella drunk last night.

Edward growled under his breath and told himself that he would punish Emmett later.

"I'm dreadfully sorry my love, you are telling the truth. But really Bella, HOW, FRIKKIN' STUPID ARE YOU! I MAY BE A VAMPIRE BUT I KNOW WATER TASTES_** VERY **_DIFFERENT FROM VODKA! GOD!"

"Sorry," Bella muttered quietly.

Edward sat down on the sofa next to Bella and put his head in his hands, over come with stress.

The silence between could only be described as, extremely awkward.

After sitting like this for a few minutes, Bella couldn't take it anymore.

"Edward, we need to talk about the elephant in the room." Said Bella, staring at Edward purposefully.

"Bella," Edward sighed, raising his face from his hands, "I don't have a problem with it. Do you?"

"YES! I do Edward! I want it!"

"Bella, it's MINE! I'm not giving it to you" said Edward angrily.

"wait...WHAT?!" asked Bella, confused by Edward's reply.

"Bella, I thought we were talking about this." Said Edward, walking over to a small elephant ornament on his shelves. "You must appreciate, my love, that I am very attached to this figurine. It was my mother's."

Bella looked exasperated. "Edward, I don't care about the figurine! I care about what we're not talking about! The elephant in the room!"

"aaah!" Comprehension dawned on Edward's face. "So, what's the elephant in the room exactly?" he asked , looking confused.

"SEX EDWARD! SEX!" Screamed Bella.

When Bella shouted this, Edward's face instantly turned angry, and without consciously deciding to do so, he accidentally crushed the figurine in his hand.

"LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! YOU KNOW HOW STRONG I AM! I AM LOSING CONTROL! THIS IS TOO HARD!"

At that exact moment Esme knocked at the door. "emm, I don't really know what to say, because I know you guys are serious about each other, but could you keep it down? It's making us very...uncomfortable..."

Inside the room, Edward looked angrily at the pieces of china in his hand, and threw them across the room, smashing a window.

"STOP EDWARD, STOP!" Screamed Bella.

Esme stood outside the door, horrified at the sounds coming from her son's room. The whole family had heard Bella scream and within a second all were gathered around Edward's door.

Bella looked up at Edward and said, "The stress Edward."

Edward looked at her in confusion.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE EDWARD! STOP! IT'S HURTING ME!"

The family, who were outside the door, were pushed over the edge and Emmett took action.

He broke down the door and the entire family rushed in to find Bella sitting, fully clothed on the sofa, and Edward staring dejectedly at his hand, where his beloved figurine once was.

Emmett burst out laughing. "HA HA HA! We thought you guys were....you know!" he showed what he meant by wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Bella, muttered under her breath, "_I wish_" forgetting about all the vampires with super hearing in the room. Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie and Alice all immediately broke into hysteric laughter and Esme and Carlisle tried to hide their grins.

Edward looked EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and if vampires could blush, he would be beetroot red.

"Do you mind?!" He asked his family angrily.

"Sorry!" They all giggled in unison, and left, leaving the door propped up in the door way.

Edward returned to the sofa and put his head in his hands again. Bella sat next to him and tapped him on the shoulder. Edward turned his head to look at her.

"Did you know Edward, that when you're angry, you're so HOT!" said Bella, grinning.

Edward sat there horrified, and did not move fast enough to avoid what he knew was coming.

"No Bella!" He managed to mutter before she jumped on him.

Edward pinned her arms to her side as she tried to remove the little clothing she was wearing and struggled to remove her legs from around his waist. Bella used all her strength to resist Edward and continued her sexual assault.

Edward simply couldn't take it more.

"HELP!" He screamed. "OH GOD SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!" He screamed again trying desperately to remove Bella's face from his and her body from his lap.

DON'T WORRY EDWARD!" shouted Emmett, bursting yet again through the door. "I WILL SAVE YOU FROM YOUR SEX CRAZY HUMAN GIRLFRIEND!"

Emmett raced across the room, grabbed Bella, and in milliseconds had her dangling out of the broken window by one ankle.

Edward, traumatised by Bella's assault, crawled to the corner of his room, curled up in a ball clutching his knees, and rocked back and forth, sobbing.

Carlisle, who had been outside, heard the commotion and rushed to the house. Upon reappearing in the Cullen's clearing Carlisle immediately spotted Bella being dangled from Edward's second floor window. He rushed to stand underneath her.

"Emmett! You know this is not the way to treat humans! If she falls, she won't just bounce back up again! What is going on?!" Asked Carlisle angrily.

"Well, I saved Edward as she was throwing herself at him again. You know what her hormones are like!" Laughed Emmett.

"Oh, Bella, I think it's time we had a talk." Said Carlisle, shaking his head.

"Okay Bella, I'll see you later!" shouted Emmett and without warning, he dropped her.

Bella's scream of terror was cut off as Carlisle caught her.

"Was that really necessary Emmett?!" Carlisle shouted up to the muscled form in Edward's destroyed window.

"Well no, BUT IT _WAS_ FUN!" Screamed Emmett and he returned into the house laughing hysterically.

"Sorry about that Bella." Apologised Carlisle. "But I need to talk to you. Let's go down to the river so we're not over heard."

Carlisle ran with Bella down to the river and placed her down, sitting down beside her.

"Right Bella, I will get straight to the point. You must STOP forcing yourself on Edward! As you know he is a 107 year old virgin and you're scaring him! You must wait until he's as ready as you are."

Bella squirmed uncomfortably. "But....but....ugh...but...why?....why can't he understand what I want!? Isn't my happiness important to him?! It's not fair! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM BEFORE I HIT 90!"

"Bella", Carlisle said sternly, "You. Must. Stop. Forcing. Yourself. On. Him! Or else you will leave me no choice but to inform Charlie of what is going on! Do you want that?!"

"NO!"

"Well do we have an agreement then?"

"Yes, I suppose so." Bella muttered, defeated.

With that Carlisle scooped Bella up and ran back towards the house.

Bella made her way back up to Edward's room and entered to see Edward sitting on the sofa. She walked over to him, curled up next to him, laid her head on his shoulder and muttered,

"I'm sorry Edward."

"It's okay my love." Replied Edward, leaning over to peck her on the cheek. "But I need some time to think. I am going to go up to Alaska for a little while, clear my head. Look after yourself, I'll be back before you know it."

"Okay, hurry back." Bella said with a timid smile.

Edward stood and made his way over to the destroyed window. "I love you Bella."

"I love you too Bella. Always." Replied Edward, dazzling her. Edward darted back to Bella, pecked her once again on the cheek and then disappeared out the window.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello** **to you all! I'm a bit disappointed by the reviews! THREE! AND TWO ARE FROM THE AUTHORS! Now I see why people always get annoyed when people don't review!**

**Thank you to The Vampire Who Falls Over A Lot for being the only person to review!**

**I must warn you that this chapter continues being out of control! We planned to make this one more normal but it didn't really work out! This is quite a long one so enjoy!**

**By the way I am going on holiday tomorrow and Sarah is also going to be away. Claire may also be going away so there will probably be no update for another week. Sorry! We will pay you back by updating lots when we are all back!**

**All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer**

Bella awoke slowly, trying desperately to go back to sleep. After several minutes of tossing and turning she gave up and sat up. She immediately looked around for Edward only to remember that he had to run off to Alaska. Again.

She rolled out of bed and managed to trip 4 times on the way to the bathroom. After attempting to shower without getting her cast wet, and failing, Bella returned to her bedroom. She rooted around in her book shelves in search of an 18th century novel.

Bella only read them to persuade herself you could have a relationship with someone without throwing yourself at them every 5 minutes. But, no matter how many times she read _Wuthering Heights, _she still never missed an opportunity to get a piece of Edward.

As she searched she noticed a small brown notebook that she had placed there a few nights ago.

Edward's diary.

Bella carried it downstairs to the kitchen and propped it open in front of her as she ate her breakfast. She opened it to the first entry and was surprised that it was dated just a few days before her arrival in Forks.

_Dearest diary,_

_Today I sunk even deeper into my never ending pit of depression. I'm so lonely. Every night, and often during the day, I have to listen to my loved up family procreating! Whilst I sit here, ALONE!_

_Not only indirectly do they mock me but directly too! Emmett went to a godforsaken place called "Blockbuster" and bought several movies. Many were of an unspeakable, grotesque, pornographic nature that Emmett intended to show Rosalie. Disgusting._

_However Emmett decided on a movie night and we all gathered around the television. Jasper picked up a movie and said, "Do you want to watch the 40-year old virgin?"_

_And then Emmett said, "But we can watch the 90-year old virgin right here!" and pointed at me! The brute! How dare they mock me so! I consoled myself by doing Latin recitations and ordering extra penny blacks for my stamp collection._

Bella tried, and failed, to hold in laughter and was soon spluttering away on her cheerios. Intrigued by this insight into Edward's thoughts, Bella turned to the next entry. It was the day she arrived at Forks High School.

_Dearest Diary,_

_Today has been the most horrific of my life! I have truly met the devil in human form! A normally dull day was transformed by the GIRL!_

_At lunch I spotted the new girl, Isabella...something bird related...cuckoo? Magpie? Crow? Anyway, it seemed that I could not read her thoughts! How strange! How dare she defy my powers!_

_After this strange occurrence I went to Biology only to find her sitting next to me! She walked into the class in slow motion and her hair was blown very dramatically by the fan....AAAAAAAARGH! YUM! I MUST DRINK HER FREESIA TYPE AB BLOOD! I WANT A BELLA SMOOTHIE! – These were just some of my thoughts. That girl was lucky to survive the lesson! I almost killed her right there! So tempting.... I know where she lives...mmmmnn... freesia....STOP! EDWARD STOP! I must resist! There is no other option left! I must go to Denali to escape her yummy blood!_

Bella sat quietly contemplating this, mildly disturbed. Edward, the love of her life had called her the devil, had thought her surname was Crow and had wanted to make her into a smoothie. Bella had thought her relationship with a vampire was weird enough without this.

_He's in for it when he gets home..._ thought Bella to herself.

She angrily flicked to the next entry.

_Dearest Diary,_

_Today has been an eventful few days! Not only have I exposed my family but have caused an argument of Paris Hilton hissy fit proportions! Yesterday started normally with Emmett being an idiot and in Biology I talked to The yummy blood girl. God she smelt good! But, I controlled myself and, surprisingly, I actually enjoyed talking with one of the mundane humans. I feel drawn to her and I don't know why. But she does have an annoying habit of blushing. ALL THE TIME! And also of having a gormless expression constantly, and never closing her mouth!_

_That evening I was bombarded with Emmett's childish songs,_

"_Edward and Bella sitting in a tree,_

_K.I.S.S.I.N.G!_

_First comes love,_

_Then comes marriage,_

_Then the baby vampire in a gothic carriage!"_

_Then, the next day, there was ice all over the road. After observing the human, Bella, I had drawn the conclusion that she is extremely and utterly spasticated and has worse balance than a flamingo on crack. So obviously, she had to hit the ONLY patch of ice in the ENTIRE PARKING LOT! HONESTLY!_

_Without thinking about it, I sprinted across the parking lot to prevent Tyler's van from going smushy, smushy on her ass._

_Throughout this time my family glared angrily at me. After being a bit of a superhero...if I do say so myself... I stopped the van but managed to smack her head onto the tarmac. I hit her a little harder than I planned to. She had to wear a neck brace and was humiliated. Serves her right for being such a retard! I mean, jump out the way, don't stare gormlessly at your impending doom! GOD!_

_Anyway, she was taken to hospital and she was fine, but sadly they couldn't fix her gormless expression. I went to Bella's hospital room but I was too scared to go in. Would she want to see me? Would she fear me? I saw Carlisle catch her when she tripped and touch her skull. I was overwhelmed by the strength of my feelings. I want to be able to touch her in that way! I don't understand it. I'M CONFUSED!_

_Anyway, so I went out to the corridor where my family confronted me. Here is a summary of the conversation._

_Carlisle: RAAAAAH! WTF EDWARD!_

_Me: How did you all find out so fast?_

_Emmett: DUH! I IM-ed EVERYBODY AS SOON AS I HEARD! BUT THAT WAS SUCH A COOL MOVE MY BROTHER! GIVE ME FIVE!_

_Rosalie: (staggering forwards) ohmigodedward icantbefuckin-lieveit! Youhaveriskedallofus!_

_Esme: Calm down Rosalie! Everything will be alright! EDWARD, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT?!_

_Alice: I DID SEE THIS COMING BUT THE AUTHORS DECIDED TO SAY NOTHING!_

_Jasper: emm... Eddie boy, why didn't you do the obvious?_

_Me: the obvious?_

_Jasper: EAT HER!_

_Carlisle: I need to go deal with dying humans. (Evils me as he leaves)_

_Esme: Alice told me about the vision. Do you need some condoms?_

_Me: what vision? (Reads Alice's mind) WTF! NO! EWWW! GROSS! I'M NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HER!_

_Alice: I told the family for you! (Walks off smiling evilly)_

_Rosalie: HAVE FUN WIH YOUR FUCKIN HUMAN, YOU....YOU...(staggers around drunkenly some more) YOU… MAN WHORE! (Bitch slaps me)_

_Jasper: I sense a great disturbance in the emotional force. (Jasper walks off looking superior)_

_(I turn to find Emmett's head on my shoulder)_

_Emmett: HA HA HA...! I'm going to go upstairs and get Rosalie some pamphlets on binge drinking. Then I'm going to go home and have sex with Rosalie! ENJOY ANOTHER NIGHT ALONE!_

_At that precise moment, I had an epiphany. BOOM! EPIPHANY STRIKES! I quite like Bella! Maybe I could grow to stand her presence for more than one biology lesson! The power of my epiphany was strong, so I shouted after Emmett!_

"_EMMETT! MAYBE I WON'T BE ALONE! MAYBE I WILL STALK THE HUMAN GIRL! MAYBE I WILL SIT OUTSIDE HER WINDOW IN THE RAIN! ALL NIGHT LONG! LIKE A STALKER! I MUST REMEMBER TO BRING OIL FOR HER WINDOW!_

_Suddenly I heard that beautiful monotone voice behind me._

"_What the fuck..."_

_Oh no! I thought to myself! Bella heard my plans to stalk her. Shit..._

"_Emm.. Edward, can I talk to you?" She looked very unnerved._

_I pretended not to have heard her and turned towards where Emmett had left. I shouted,_

"_OR MAYBE I WILL JUST RE- RECORD SOME CLASSIC SONGS WITH LYRICS THAT APPLY TO OUR FAMILY OR MYSELF! I WAS THINKING ABOUT "ALL BY MYSELF" BY CELINE DION! I WILL STAY IN __OUR__ HOUSE __ALL NIGHT!_

"_Oh, sorry Bella, I didn't see you there," I lied._

_I then went on to have a very problematic conversation with Bella. It went a little like this._

_Bella: how did you stop the van?_

_Me: Emm…well…jet pack. …kryptonite… and an adrenaline rush..GOOGL E THEM!_

_Bella : (stares at me, drooling)_

_Me: YOU HIT YOUR HEAD! EVEN IF YOU DID SEE SOMETHING, NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU! HA! I'M HOT! YOU'RE NOT! PEOPLE TRUST ME, BECAUSE I'M HOT! AND YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE THE NOTTIE, I'M THE HOTTIE, HA HA HA HA! PARIS HILTON MOVIE REFERENCE! DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE? No, me neither…_

_I was distracted at this point by the sign on the wall. Forks hospital appeared to have a sleep disorder unit. Okay…_

_I could see Bella was about to question me again, I needed to escape._

"_Yeah, I have to go to the… eh…. Sleep disorder unit! _

"_Why?" Bella asked._

"_Because I never sleep!" I replied._

_Her eyes widened. _

"_Shit…I mean, I never sleep…on a Tuesday night…WITHOUT MY FINDING NEMO NIGHTLIGHT! OK?! DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?! DO YOU WANT TO CLOSE YOUR MOUTH?! I COULD DRIVE A LORRY THROUGH THERE!_

_Bella continued to stare open mouthed. God, it's not like she even has nice teeth! Close it or clothe it! Buy a scarf!_

_For some reason this conversation made her cry. SHE EVEN CRIES OPEN MOUTHED! GEEZ! I could no longer deal with the mouth breathing, so I left._

_I went home and locked myself in my room. Even though she annoys me in SO MANY WAYS! I really like Bella. Her chocolate eyes, fragrant blood, not so fragrant underarms…well I suppose they are fragrant, in a not so good way. I enjoy having her near. But not too near, what with her fragrant blood and mouth breathing._

_So I will either love her or kill her. Now I can't even decide which one would be better. If I did love her, could I really endanger her by being close to her? And her blood…. Well… tomorrow is another day …Just like today…and yesterday… and Wednesday…and the day after tomorrow….that was a good movie…_

Bella slammed the diary shut, not knowing what to think about herself; her true love; or what movie to watch. The Day After Tomorrow _or_ The Hottie and the Nottie? Decisions, decisions.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello everyone! We have another chapter for you! This is just some funny fluff! I have another chapter ready and I will put it up immediately….IF! you all leave comments!**

**I will take your word for it and put it up but, please guys, please! Comment!**

**Thank you!**

**All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. And yes, I know we have used movie names and song titles but we aren't pretending they are ours! They belong to whoever they belong to!**

Bella put down Edward's diary and tidied away her breakfast things. She was torn over whether or not to continue reading Edward's diary. On the one hand it was giving Bella a valuable insight into Edward's thoughts. But, on the other hand it was scarring her. Deeply. Not only did the diary contain graphic accounts of Edward's thirst for her blood, but he was constantly insulting her.

Bella decided to leave the diary alone for the rest of the day. She sat on the sofa, drumming her fingers on her legs. She was bored. When the phone rang, Bella jumped up eagerly to answer it.

"Hey! I've missed you so much!" Said Bella happily into the phone, desperate to hear Edward's voice.

"Emm, Bella. It's dad."

"Oh, right" replied Bella, the sadness evident as she realized he wasn't Edward.

"Well, sorry I'm not your boyfriend Bella! But you are not to speak to him remember! However, I am letting you out today."

"What!? Really?! Thanks Dad! I am –"Bella was cut off by Charlie

"I am allowing you to go to the store. We need groceries. I will see you later Bells."

And with that, Charlie hung up.

It took hours for Bella to drag her and her broken leg around the grocery store. Many hours later her truck managed to get her home and she spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa, eating Ben and Jerry's Fish Food ice cream and watching movies.

She turned onto one of the Swan's three movie channels. The first was showing The Notebook. Bella settled down happily to watch this only to remember, after it came on screen, that Noah left Ali at the end of the summer. He did not return for a _long_ time.

This did not help to cheer Bella up.

The second channel was showing The Prince and Me which was ¾ of the way through. Bella sat, staring dejectedly at the screen as the Prince trotted onscreen on his horse in a royal parade. Oh God. The Prince was called, _Edvard. _Trying to ignore it she continued watching. As she watched, Prince Edvard picked up his true love into his arms and galloped off into the beautiful European city with her. Bella sat in the dark, curled up in a blanket, eating ice cream and began to cry.

As a last ditch effort she turned onto the third Channel. The opening credits were starting. Romeo and Juliet. With a scream, Bella hurled the remote at the TV and burst into hysterical sobs, sucking on the ice cream laden spoon like a pacifier.

Bella sat for hours like this and as her tears receded, she fell asleep.

When Charlie retuned to find Bella curled up on the sofa, face blotchy form crying and covered in chocolate ice cream, he sighed.

_Hmm…maybe the grounding's a bit tough… _He thought to himself.

Then, in her sleep, Bella turned over and started to talk.

"_mmm, Edward….kiss me again….mmmnn…..come back to bed….Edward…"_

Charlie's face become a worryingly deep shade of purple.

He made a mental note to himself to make her grounding even stricter.

Bella eventually awoke, cleaned herself up and crawled into bed, physically and emotionally drained.

Bella was surprised to awake the next morning finding no one beside her; she had become so used to Edward's presence in her bed, and now longed for him once again.

Remembering her depression the previous day, Bella's mood immediately began to decline.

She yawned and stretched and clothed herself in her normal, dull, ugly attire and sat down on her bed. She had nothing to do.

After petting the cactus and marrying the naked Barbie and the cactus so they could stop living in sin, she couldn't help but stop to think about Edward, and what he might be doing.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Alaska, Edward took a large breath. Then he dug his teeth into some good old Alaskan bear. Mmmm.

Bella then realised she still had not emptied her bag since that drunken night with Emmett that she could not remember much of. She picked up the brown **(like everything else in that horrible wardrobe!) **bag and emptied its contents across her bed.

A scarf, a wallet and a tampon. _That's funny_, Bella thought to herself._ I could have sworn I had put condoms in here_. Bella turned her head and noticed the journal. Within seconds, she was sitting up reading the journal excitedly.

The next entry was around 30 days after the previous entry.

_One month. One entire month. It was too much to bear. I thought I could stay away from her. I was wrong. Last night the urge, to see her, to hear her voice was too strong and before I knew what I was doing I was outside her house. I watched her sleep from outside but I couldn't stalk her easily enough from out there._

_So I climbed into her bedroom, obviously._

_As she slept, she whispered my name! If I had a heart, it would have been beating wildly from happiness. She cares for me! And now I know that I love her!_

_I LOVE HER!_

_I LOVE A HUMAN!_

_WOO!_

_So today at school I talked to her again. Naturally she was angry at me. Well, I have been a bit of a jerk what with the ignoring and stalking her. Although Bella doesn't know about the latter part._

_In fact, as I think about it, I think I will go hang out in the unsuspecting girl's room again!_

With a shake of her head, Bella turned the page. The next entry was after Bella was nearly raped and smushed by some hill billies in Port Angeles.

_W.o.w! Have I had an exciting week and a half or what! Not only have I fallen in love with a human, taken to stalking her and watching her sleep but today I saved her from some rapists. Well, at least it breaks the monotony. For the last few days I have been talking to Bella, sitting with her at lunch and carrying her to the nurse when she faints during Biology. Once you get passed all the negative things about Bella like her permanent gormless expression, she's really not that bad!_

_Today I was bored and annoyed by the sunshine that prevented me from going to see Bella. So I did the obvious thing. I stalked her. At Port Angeles she managed to bump into the only rapists in the entire Olympic peninsula (typical!) but I with the help of my chariot (Volvo), saved her!_

_Yay! Go me! Then I took her out for dinner. NO! I DIDN'T EAT HER! NOT THAT TYPE OF DINNER!_

_The type of dinner where the waitress's hair is really strange, the song playing In the restaurant sounds strangely like me, and a creepy dude in the corner is thinking about his cat. You know, the type everyone experiences once. Or not. Anyway, I think I may go compose a piano piece in tribute to my true love. And then maybe press some flowers for her._

Bella smiled as she finished this entry. Finally! A semi – normal description of his growing love for her! Now that's more like it!

Eager for more, Bella turned to the next entry. It was from the day she went to meet his family, the day after the meadow.

_YAY! I AM IN LOVE! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!_

_L.O.V.E!_

_I AM SO HAPPY!_

_How can I describe the last few days in the shortest possible time so I can return to Bella?_

_I took Bella to a meadow. Was tempted to eat her, but didn't. We lay in some flowers. I picked some for my collection. I sparkled and she said I was BEAUTIFUL! Ok… maybe it's not handsome or gorgeous, but I'll take Beautiful…And then I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too and I kinda sniffed her and hugged her and she DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO FORCE HERSELF ON ME ONCE! I think Bella's just not that kind of girl. _

_Then we went back to her house and I stayed the night! He he he! I feel so naughty! Then I took her to meet my family and they were very embarrassing. They were are like, "We. Won't. hurt. You." And she was like, "I know!" Then they just continued to embarrass me so I played the piano for her and then I ate her tear. After that I attacked her in my room, threw her on the couch, and tried to force her to dance with me. Ahhh…. Good times…._

_I love her sooooo much! Jasper and Emmett can no longer tease me! I have a girlfriend and it only took me 107 years!_

_I shall return to my sweet Bella now! And force her to watch me play base ball! Oh, wait… aren't those nomad vamps coming soon? Oh, well, let's just go for it anyway._

There was one more sentence but Bella couldn't read it as it was obscured by love hearts. Inside them were written things like, "Edward and Bella Forever" and "Mrs Bella Cullen". Although Edward's entry was very soppy, it made Bella smile. She put the diary down and closed her eyes, remembering the meadow.


	6. Chapter 6

After lying fantasizing about Edward for a little while, Bella decided to continue reading Edward's diary. She turned another page but was surprised to find an entry that was of a different tone to the ones she had just read.

_Dearest Diary, _

_Bella is in hospital and is asleep; she has a broken leg. I wonder sometimes if there is something in her head that makes her do the exact opposite of what she is strictly told. Sometimes, like today, it is extremely annoying._

_What did I ask her to do? Stay with Alice and Jasper as they will look after you, and on no condition are you to make contact with James._

_And what did she do, you ask? She ran off from Alice and Jasper to meet James, some long-haired muscular greasy man-slut and then she nearly died! Again!_

_Why the hell didn't Alice see this coming? What is her purpose in every Stephanie Meyer novel apart from to piss off Bella with her annoying antics? To see the future! You would think that my true love's dying would be something she might focus on picking up! But no! _

_And now, she has a broken leg. Like it's not bad enough I have to carry her everywhere when I want to go any faster than 0 miles per hour, now I am going to have to carry her heavier than usual behind everywhere we go!_

Bella stopped reading there. She was insulted and angry and threw the journal down onto her lap. Just then, she saw some rectangular shaped bits of paper slip from out of the latter pages of the journal and onto her bed. She picked one up. It was a Polaroid.

Bella almost let out a small scream. She knew she was not drunk. She knew she was not crazy. She knew what she was looking at. Edward had taken a picture of himself _taking in the scent_ of Bella's bag.

Bella picked up the next picture. Edward had taken a picture of himself looking inside her bag.

Bella threw the picture out of her hand and looked to the next. A picture of Edward modelling her scarf; pouting and posing. 

The next picture was of Edward looking curiously at one of Bella's tampons.

Edward looking puzzled at a condom.

Edward opening a condom.

Edward blowing up a condom.

Edward ripping up condoms.

Edward putting condoms in the bin.

Bella could have sworn sick came into her mouth for a second, but she managed to push it back down far enough she was able to binge eat for the next half an hour.

After seven sandwiches, three bars of Galaxy chocolate and two pots of questionable gherkins from the back of the fridge, Bella felt half-full, and was anxious to know what happened next in Edward's journal.

She dragged herself upstairs and collapsed onto her bed with fatigue, holding her dear cactus close to heart, which gave her enough strength to re-open the journal and strain her eye muscles enough to read another entry.

_Dearest Diary,_

_Forks High Prom. Shoot Me Now._

_Like it isn't bad enough Bella wore a royal blue dress with her black cast (SUPER CLASH! I MEAN, COME ON, WHERE ARE THE FASHION POLICE WHEN YOU NEED THEM!), somehow she is under the misguided conception that I like that colour! As if. I go away and leave her for a matter of seconds, and she is sitting and talking to the one who shan't be named! What do I have to do to get a stress free night around here?_

_And on top of that, everybody at prom was acting like they were my friend. What was with that? Just because I came with Bella does not mean any of them automatically became my friends. Do they not know what I could do to them? Well, no is obviously the answer, otherwise we would have to leave again._

_Sometimes I think that's not such a bad idea. If I really love Bella, I should protect her in any and every way that I can, shouldn't I?_

_And then this random song came on talking about some fat cat or something, if I can't record it with lyrics applying to me and/or my family; it is not a good song. What the hell was Eric the DJ thinking? What could I change those lyrics to, huh?_

_Now I have a fat human Bella?_

_I don't think so._

_I'll keep to the classics._

Bella shuddered at the thought of Edward re-recording their prom song. Bella had flashbacks to asking Edward to bite her. She didn't want to know Edward's reaction to that. She turned the page to find an unexpected letter. That was not addressed to his dearest diary.

It was a hate letter to Jacob that he never sent.

_Jacob,_

_I'm writing to you to express my hateful feelings towards you._

_Here it goes:_

_Childhood Friends Do Not Equal Lovers – just because you made mud pies as children, it does not mean she wants to be with you. She didn't even remember you; that's how much of an impression you made on her. Ha ha ha you lameo._

_You came to prom! What was with that? My prom! Not yours! You go to some crappy native American school where your idea of prom is dancing around the campfire ____making that stupid red Indian sound with your mouth and your hand!_

_Your father is disabled? He was seen driving a car! Paralysed my ass! What was he doing behind the wheel of the car? And then five seconds later being wheeled around! What was with that?_

_You are a dirty stinky dog. Stay away._

_You'll never have Bella. Stop trying._

_Bella loves me. She does not love you. Fuck off._

_Cut your hair you lazy piece of shit. You look like a freak and my future mutant baby will be embarrassed by you if you don't cut it. I don't care if it's cool on the reservation._

_Get some new friends. The ones on the beach could do with a makeover and a haircut. Not to mention a wash. _

_Get away from my girl. _

_You'll never get your paws on Bella. I will never leave her._

_You smell. Have a wash._

_You're ugly. Nothing can change that. They are make-up artists; not miracle workers._

_You're shorter than me. Well, for now._

_You don't look good in a cagoule. Neither does Bella. The next time it's raining; go inside. I couldn't bear to see that again._

_You are a MANSLUT._

_You repulse me._

_I HATE YOU._

_I hope you take none of this personally, it's just business._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka snugglemuffin)_

_Xxx_

Bella could hardly believe her eyes. She had no idea Edward felt this way about him. And his friends. Bella thought the long hair looked kind of cute on him. Obviously the feeling was not mutual between Edward and Bella.

Bella tried to forget the letter as much as she could, and to take her mind off it she read the next entry.

Thankfully, this one was addressed to his dearest diary.

_Dearest Diary_

_Yesterday the semester ended. Thank God for that. Today, though, was less eventful. After seeing my dear Bella, I was driving home at about 120 mph when a song came on the radio which was good (that I could change the lyrics of to apply to myself). I swore to myself I had not heard the voice before, although it sounded extremely familiar to the songs I was listening to during a televised Hannah Montana concert. But it could not have been her. This young girl's name was Miley Cyrus._

_The song really spoke to me. It was almost telling the story of my own love affair with Nick Jonas. I mean… umm…ermm….what?...aahh…ummm….Bella?_

_Well I changed the lyrics to apply to my relationship with __Nick Jonas__ Bella anyway. I can't wait to hear your thoughts._

_Here it goes:_

_I probably shouldn't say this _

_But at times I get so pissed_

_When I think about the start of _

_The relationship we shared_

_It was awesome but we lost it_

_Is it possible for me not to care_

_And now we're sitting in my Volvo_

_But nothing's is ever going to change_

_Until you hear my lamb_

_The seven things I hate about you_

_The seven things I hate about you, oh you_

_You're lame, you're insane, you're insecure_

_You love me and you like him __**(Jacob)**_

_You make me puke, you make me gasp_

_I don't know at which to cry_

_You're friends they're idiots and you act like them and you know that it hurts_

_I wanna be with the lamb I love _

_And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do_

_You make me love you_

_It's awkward and silent _

_As I wait for you to say_

_What you want right now _

_Your sexual fantasy_

_When you stop it, I'll believe you_

_If you try again, I'll leave you_

_Let's be clear_

_Oh, I won't come back_

_I'm taking seven steps here._

_The seven things I hate about you_

_The seven things I hate about you, oh you_

_You're lame, you're insane, you're insecure_

_You love me and you like him __**(Jacob)**_

_You make me puke, you make me gasp_

_I don't know at which to cry_

_You're friends they're idiots and you act like them and you know that it hurts_

_I wanna be with the lamb I love _

_And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do_

_You make me love you._

_And compared to the few nice things_

_I can't be assed to write_

_I probably should mention _

_The seven that I like_

_The seven things that I like about you_

_Your hair your eyes, your crappy lies_

_When we kiss you're hypnotised_

_You make me lie, our love I can't deny_

_I guess at neither I will cry_

_Your hand and mine_

_When they're intertwined, everything's alright_

_I wanna be with the lamb I love_

_And the seventh thing I like the most that you do_

_You make me love you, you do._

_Unimaginable Love,_

_Yours,_

_Truly,_

_Madly,_

_Deeply,_

_Edward (your personal snugglemuffin)_

_Xoxo (something I learnt from watching Gossip Girl for the first time! Who knew the lives of the rich and beautiful teens of the Upper East Side of NYC could be so dramatic! Dan =HOTTIE! )_

Bella was angry. She could not believe Edward could ever say such horrible things about her yet make her seem nice at the same time. _Edward is a genius_, Bella thought as she put the journal to one side.

**No shit, Bella, no shit. He's a 90 year-old virgin who can't sleep and has nothing to do, like EVER! This is a guy who can gangsta rap that you're horny; miley cyrus that you're hated by him; say that he finds Dan Humphrey in Gossip Girl attractive and you don't care; write letters to your closest friend about how much he hates him; but yet you still adore him with everything you have, and he feels relatively the same about you. Of course he's a genius. You don't need a magnifying glass to see that, you stupid bat. **

Bella angrily grabbed her coat and went to the diner for dinner. Fuming the whole way.


	7. Chapter 7

**Here we go! Chapter 7! Don't say we are not good to you! Three chapters in ONE DAY!**

**I think I have carpal tunnel….**

**Anyway.**

**I am sad to say that this will DEFINETLY be the last chapter for about a week as Myself, Sarah and possibly Claire are all going to be away.**

**We will try and update as soon as we can.**

**All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, we didn't steal stuff from anybody, yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill.**

Bella had an eventful dinner at the local diner, which included yet another man claiming that he played Santa Claus when she was a child and a conversation with a waitress that went a little something like this…

"Could I possibly bring my laptop down here some time?" Bella innocently asked.

"Absolutely not, no way! I can't believe you would ask something like that! Who are you, anyways?" the waitress immediately replied.

"But, once I saw someone in here doing that… Wait, don't you know who I am? God, people these days…"

"One, I only pretended to know who you were because I think your dad is hot. And two, that was a one-time thing because that was Stephanie Meyer!"

"No way! Stephanie Meyer was in this diner! Wait,… why the hell was she in this diner? Was she lost? Or did her car break down or something?"

"She said that she was doing _research _for her latest_ novel _ - yeah, like she has another book in her!"

**Author's note: This character is just jealous of Stephanie Meyer's talent. In no way did anybody just insult Stephanie Meyer's genius or Twilight in any way, shape, or form.**

Okay, that was not an eventful dinner at all. But this is Forks, after all. Tumbleweeds rolling by makes front page news.

Bella returned home and Charlie sent her straight to her room without her second dinner. Bella was livid at Charlie for many hours afterwards. The only person who would be happy with that would be Edward. Or maybe Bella's bed springs.

Bella then had a tough decision to make. She was only willing to carry her whole body weight to move once, so it was between getting the cactus and petting it until her blood sugar ran so low she passed out; or Edward's diary, and probably another few insults. Nothing a midnight comfort food snack wouldn't solve. Bella knew that. Charlie would be asleep and Bella would be alone with the doughnuts.

Bella decided on the diary, and was surprised to see that she had read all but the most recent entry. Her arm ached from the stretch of arm's length, but she was too focused on the last entry in the diary to focus on the pain.

_Dearest Diary,_

_I spent the night with Bella last night._

_Oh, diary, stop having such a sick mind! You know my views on that matter! Nothing happened, and that's that!_

_Well, there was a downside to last night with Bella. She's been having such crazy dreams of late!_

_Last night, we were on a boat._

_Or should I say, "I'm on a boat, take a good hard look at the mother fucking boat!"_

_I was there, Bella was there, Tanya was there. And oh yeah, T-Pain too._

_Bella was at the front of the boat, singing "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion._

_OUCH._

_Myself and T-Pain were singing "I'm On a Boat"_

_DOUBLE OUCH._

_And when the line came, "I fucked a mermaid," we seemed to be talking about Tanya!_

_Me and Tanya the mermaid having intercourse before marriage!_

_Well, for Tanya I might be able to make an exception. _

_But then again, what was Bella thinking!_

_Well maybe it's the hormones caused by all the weight she's gained._

_Wow. If you could see her now._

_And to think, I told her I wouldn't mind her growing old beside me._

_But Bella can be so retarded and forgetful, she'd never find out if I cheated on her._

_And Emmett has told me how smokin' hot Tanya has been looking these days._

_Maybe I need an excuse to take a trip to Alaska._

_To get away from a lump on top of me trying to "seduce" me._

_If it weren't for my vampire strength, I really would be in trouble when it comes to her weight._

_She is fat. I can't even doubt it anymore._

_And when she gets criticism of her weight; she comfort eats._

_Who the hell could come up with such a retardedly obvious vicious circle?_

_Of course, my one and only. Bella. _

_I must leave you soon, as Bella is to enter the house any minute now. Then again, she has decided to walk up the path, so it could be any hour now._

_Lots of Love_

_Yours,_

_Forever,_

_And Always,_

_Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (don't I sound really hot with my full name like that? You don't need to answer that, I know I do. I'm so hot. I'm the hottest snugglemuffin you'll ever have .And don't you forget it. )_

Bella was too upset, insulted and angry to want to think about Edward or Tanya or what they might be doing. Bella needed something to eat. NOW.

Bella noticed there was one blank page at the end of the diary.

Paper. Edible.

Bella gobbled the paper down within a minute, but still felt dissatisfied.

Bella then searched the room with her eyes to find her next snack.

Lampshade. Inedible.

Curtains. Inedible.

Door knob. Questionable.

Keys. Ouch.

Naked Barbie. Inedible.

Cactus. EDIBLE!

Bella could not control herself. She did not even remember leaping across the room to get it.

Bella took a large bite out of her cactus and swallowed it whole. She was so satisfied she did not feel the pain.

A large area of dry wall and half a doorknob later, Bella knew she needed food. She needed carbs and fat and calories right now.

After falling down the stairs and a desperate crawl across the kitchen floor, Bella arrived in front of the fridge, the trash can, and a half-eaten cheesecake that was about to go out of date.

It was going to be a long night for Bella Swan.

Bella awoke the next morning to find herself sprawled out across the kitchen floor, with all sorts of different crumbs in her mouth. The empty boxes, cans, jars, bottles and even bins were spread out all around her. Charlie was already out fishing. It was Saturday.

Bella ignored the mess, she would get someone to do it later. Right now, she needed breakfast. And fast.

Breakfast was highly questionable, as it came from the next-door neighbour's trash can and mailbox.

Bella sat down in the middle of the floor, just as the phone began to ring.

She let it ring a total of ten times before she even thought about getting off her fat arse to answer it.

It was Esme.

"Hello…" Bella answered, solemnly as she felt her blood sugar was still too low.

"Oh sorry, Bella. It's Esme. Did I wake you or something?" Esme apologetically asked.

"No. I just ate breakfast. Is there something that you wanted?"

"Well, dear, it was just to let you know Edward will be back from Alaska today. We were wondering if you wanted to come round and have…umm, dinner?"

"Like, first dinner or third?"

"Erm, first?"

"Ok, fine. I'll eat before I come, then,"

"And I hope you'll be nice to our new house guest!"

Before Bella could ask who it was, Esme had hung up. _Anyone but Tanya and I'll be fine,_ Bella thought to herself as she clambered upstairs to decide what to wear.

Bella picked out a new top that Renee had bought her, a royal blue high-necked simple short sleeved T-shirt. She then picked out her tightest jeans. Both were in the size her body used to be.

Bella was trying to build up enough energy to get dressed, as at that moment she was standing, looking in the mirror in her underwear. What she saw was a healthy-looking, quite hot, average seventeen year-old girl.

In reality, her now larger chest was almost popping out of her bra, her arms had such large bingo wings no top could ever hide them, her legs were covered in excess fat and her cast looked like it could pop open at any moment, not to mention the stomach she saw as flat was anything but that. She had gained three dress sizes in the time Edward had been away, not including the weight she had gained whilst they were together.

Bella looked to the top. It was so high-necked, Bella knew that she could never be seen as a seductress in such a top like this. _It needs to be low-cut and show some of her midriff_, she thought as she got her scissors out.

She cut the top so low nothing at all was left to the imagination, and then, to make it worse, she cut the bottom of the top so her belly button would show. As Bella managed to get her tightest jeans on (only just), she hardly realised the large mass of fat hanging over each and every side of the jeans. Bella looked in the mirror once again to see the thin, flat-stomached seventeen year-old girl wearing a little bit of a revealing top, but nothing too risqué.

After admiring herself a little while longer, Bella picked up her coat and went down to her truck. She headed towards the Cullen's house. She could barely contain her excitement over seeing Edward, but she was also desperate to confront him about the diary.

_Just you wait and see Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, just you wait and see… _thought Bella menacingly.


	8. Chapter 8

After abandoning the idea of driving with her cast, and receiving a few strange looks from the grannies on the shuttle bus, Bella arrived at the Cullen's house.

She dragged herself to the door, and once out of breath, she reached for the door handle.

Carlisle had already opened the door, and with wider-than-usual eyes, was looking her up and down.

Bella muttered a thank you and began dragging herself into the main room.

Edward, from upstairs, could hear that Bella had arrived. He was so excited to see her. He also heard that she had gained weight.

_It can't be that bad,_ Edward thought to himself as he practically skipped down the stairs to meet her.

"Bella!" Edward screamed excitedly. Bella turned around and smiled. Edward's expression changed drastically, looking at her body.

"Edward!" Bella screeched as she stumbled over to him, before jumping onto him. Maybe Bella wouldn't confront him about the diary. He just seemed so excited to see her; Bella did not want to ruin that.

Edward stumbled backwards with the weight, but managed to soon enough drop her onto the sofa. Just then, a tall strawberry blonde haired beautiful vampire stepped out of Edward's bedroom and began to walk down the stairs.

She caught the attention of every person in the room, even the lump still referred to as Bella. The jealousy was almost tangible.

"Bella, I'm so glad you came. I can introduce you to Tanya." Edward signalled to the beautiful woman. Bella's mouth open wider than it already was. Edward let out a small sigh.

Bella stood up, ready for a bitchfight.

Tanya extended her slender right arm in order to greet Bella with a hand shake. Bella did not return the favour.

Instead of putting her arm by her side, she outstretched the other, and gave Bella a light hug. Bella's mouth gawped open further.

"And so the little mermaid strikes again…" Bella sneered, warming up for a fight.

"What?" Edward replied.

"Edward, what is she talking about?" Tanya said talking to Edward as if Bella was not there.

"I think it's another of her dreams," Edward muttered, sighing.

"Oh, right." Tanya replied, rubbing Edward's shoulder.

"I'M STILL HERE, BITCH!" Bella screamed back.

"Bella, dear. I don't know what you are talking about. You've been having a few crazy dreams of late. What have you been eating?" Edward asked.

"NO! NO! I SWEAR EDWARD, YOU WROTE IT! IT WASN'T ME, IT WAS YOU!" Bella screeched.

"Bella, what have you been eating?" Edward encouraged.

"Well, not a lot. I've lost weight whilst weight you were away, can't you tell? I've been told that so much lately," Bella was suddenly pleased with herself, even though she had many pairs of eyes on her, daring to contradict her.

"By who? Who has told you that you've lost weight? Who! WHO!?" Edward was mad, and knew he needed to calm down.

"I think you look great," Tanya butted in, trying to please Bella.

"No you don't." Edward sternly replied.

The vampires could all hear Emmett chuckling,

Thankfully Bella had fat ears that almost blocked her ear drums.

"Look, Tanya. Not to be mean, but Edward's back now, which means he is mine and not yours. I don't care what you did in Alaska, you're here now. And he's mine."

"What do you mean by that?" Tanya was curious to know what Bella thought of her, and her and Edward's relationship.

"Edward's mine. Stay away. Back off. Whichever works for you," Bella said, whilst looking like she was warming up for a dance battle with Tanya.

Edward let out a long sigh.

"Bella, I can't believe this. Edward's back for two seconds and you're already marking your territory?" Tanya was making it clear she could handle Bella.

"It's not marking territory, it's marking the battle lines," it took Bella nearly a minute to think of that one. By this time everybody in the room had forgotten the previous comment. They were bored with Bella and her antics.

"Bella. I'm not an object. You can't claim me. I may uncontrollably love you, but please do not talk about me in such a demeaning manner." Edward replied, sweetly and sincerely as always.

"I'm sorry," Bella now felt slightly embarrassed.

"Tanya and I are just friends," Edward continued.

"Okay," Bella mumbled.

"Good. I'm going to go up to my room for a little while. You and Tanya stay down here and get to know each other." Edward smiled at Bella, kissed her on the cheek and after Bella nodded apologetically, began to walk upstairs.

Both Tanya's and Bella's eyes followed Edward upstairs until he was out of sight.

"I'm so glad we got that straight Bella; I think we could be great friends someday," Tanya smiled sweetly at Bella.

"If by someday you mean never, we're on the same wavelength," Bella still looked like she was doing a warm up for a dance battle with every word she said.

"What? Bella… you just said… what?"

"Forget what I just said. It's on, bitch."

"Well if that's how you want to play it…"

Bella tried to bitchslap Tanya, but failed miserably as Tanya saw it coming many milliseconds before. Now Bella stood with her good slapping hand caught in Tanya's grip, and her bad slapping hand by her side.

_Might as well try it_, Bella thought as she once again tried to bitchslap Tanya. Once again, she failed.

Tanya let out a small chuckle. "Are you really that stupid Bella? Trying to bitchslap a vampire! You really have hit a new low, Bella. Has the fat spread to your brain or something?"

"Fat? Where? Who? Who's fat?"

"YOU ARE!"

"You're just jealous of my awesome figure."

"I'm a US Size 2. How could I ever be jealous of you?"

"Because I have Edward. And you don't."

"We'll just see about that…"

Tanya walked around Bella and towards the kitchen, where most of the Cullens had been standing, watching and listening. Not all the Cullens though, Rosalie had passed out drunk upstairs and Edward was in his room.

Edward had not been listening to any of their thoughts for many minutes, he was too focused on the task in hand. Recording a video diary.

Bella, meanwhile, was livid at Tanya. She slowly turned around, and with Carlisle and Esme's eyes focused on her, she threw the lamp on the table across the room at Tanya. Tanya had not been looking in that direction, but still managed to avoid the light before it hit her.

Emmett was not so lucky. Although lamp broke on his head, he was extremely angry at Bella.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. I'm on my period…" Bella mumbled.

Every vampire in the kitchen glanced at each other, before turning to Bella.

"WE KNOW!!!" They screamed in unison.

Bella, with a tear streaming down her face, tried to run but ended up stumbling up the stairs towards Edward's room.

She stopped outside Edward's door and listened to what was going on inside. She could hear Edward's voice.

_Please don't be re-recording 7 Things, please don't be re-recording 7 Things,_ Bella repeated to herself whilst doing her best to try and find out what was going on.

"She can just be so annoying sometimes, with the lust for sex and the constant eating and everything. Sometimes I just close my eyes and breathe in through my nose to remind myself why I put up with her. She has changed so much since we have been together. I don't know what I'm trying to say here…maybe I should leave. Maybe some more time apart would do our relationship some good. Or maybe the end of our relationship might be good for everyone. I have put so much at risk already; I don't know if I'm willing to take our relationship to any other level but over."

Bella stopped listening there. Tears were rolling down her face and she tried her best to quietly stumble out of the Cullen's house and get on the next shuttle bus.

She looked at the route map of the shuttle bus. It stopped right beside the Quileute Reservation Border, and then came back. Bella knew who could console her now. The one. The only. The Billy Jacob Black.

She got off the shuttle bus beside the reservation border, walked across the border, and found the first bus stop of the Quileute Reservation Shuttle Bus. She looked at the route map. Sam's house, Quil's house, Embry's house, Jared's house, The Clearwater's, (and finally) The Black's.

The bus finally came and Bella got on only to find Billy Black as the driver.

"Hey Bella. Have you lost weight?" Billy asked.

"Yeah, thanks!"

"So where are you headed?"

"Your house…"

"To see Jacob?"

"If that's what you want to believe…"

Bella and Billy shared a long, deep look into the others' eyes. Until Billy nearly crashed the bus, when he decided to focus on the road.

Soon enough, Bella found herself on Jacob's doorstep, knocking on the door.

Jacob answered the door relatively quickly.

"Bella! This is such a nice surprise! Come in," Jacob signaled to the living room.

Bella smiled, nodded and walked straight towards his bedroom. Jacob smiled and followed her.

"Have you lost weight, Bella? You look so good in that outfit…"

"Thanks, Jacob. But there's something I have to do."

Jacob looked concerned. "What is it?"

Bella and Jacob were sitting on his bed looking at each other face to face. Suddenly, Bella started kissing Jacob. Surprisingly enough, there was no struggle involved.

What could have been anything over twenty minutes later, Bella and Jacob stopped making out. Jacob looked like he was going to pass out. Instead, he muttered, "Wow…"

"Jacob…will you do something for me?"

The answer was instantaneous.

"HELL TO THE YEAH!"

"I need you to kill Tanya…"

"Who's that?"

"Someone who doesn't like me as much as normal people…"

"Consider it done. Wait, is she a vampire?"

"Yes. Is that a problem."

"No. This should be easy."

"How?"

"Vampires are very flammable. And I've been learning archery,"

"Archery? Honestly, archery?"

"Well I'm sorry if nobody thought it was worth writing about…"

"Should we go?"

"Sure. Let me grab my bow, my arrows and a box of matches, and we'll get the shuttle bus over there!" Jacob was solely excited because he was doing something for Bella, a favour, that she would have to return.

Alice could have seen what was about to happen next, but she was in bed with Jasper. That was not going to be interrupted.

And Edward shuddered at the thought of reading her mind and seeing her thoughts at moments like that.

He had done that before with Rosalie.

{Shudder}


	9. Chapter 9

Bella and Jacob slammed on the Cullen's door many times before finally Carlisle opened the door.

"Bella, twice in one day! And you brought a guest…"

"Yeah, whatever Carlisle. He's Jacob. Where's Edward and Tanya?"

"Why hello there, Jacob. Edward and Tanya are…"

Carlisle's face turned to Emmett, who was lying down on the sofa with some sort of ice or heat pack on his head. He was sucking his thumb and was curled up in the foetal position.

"They're upstairs in Edward's room…" Emmett managed to say. On seeing Jacob, he jumped up to look like some sort of wrestler, eyeing Jacob up and down like his next opponent.

Bella signalled the stairs to Jacob and they began to walk towards Edward's room.

"Wait," Carlisle said, "why do you have a bow and arrow and a match box?"

"I have archery practice this evening," Jacob said defensively as they walked further out of sight of the Cullens.

"When I say "Jacob, come in and shoot Tanya", you come in and shoot Tanya, okay?"

"Sure. Wait, I'm slightly confused."

"Wait for me to say "Jacob, come in and shoot Tanya" before you come in and shoot Tanya!"

"Sure, babe."

**(If you were wondering…)** Edward and Tanya were too self-involved to care if humans were outside the door.

Suddenly, Bella burst through Edward's door to find Edward sitting down and leaning his head on Tanya's shoulder. At the sight of Bella, Tanya jumped up and began to walk backwards towards the window.

"It wasn't what it looked like, Bella. We were just talking. We are just friends…" Tanya kept edging towards the wide open window.

"Yeah, more like friends with benefits!" Bella screamed.

"What? Bella, I don't even know what that is..." Tanya confusedly said.

"Bella, what _are_ you talking about?" Edward exclaimed.

"I'm talking about how the stupid producers of One Tree Hill aren't bringing back Hillarie Burton or Chad Michael Murray for season 7!"

"It's okay…" Edward said soothingly as he took a step closer to her. As Tanya took a step away from the window, Bella screamed:

"Stay there or… Jacob, come in and shoot Tanya!"

Edward and Tanya were both shocked by the new plot twist. Jacob poked his head round the door and within seconds was aiming a flaming arrow at Tanya's chest.

"Ever seen on "Woman on fire"?" Jacob asked Tanya.

"Is that the one with…" before Tanya could continue she noticed there was a flaming arrow in her chest and she was on fire.

A girlish scream was then heard. It was Edward.

"Burn, bitch, burn…" Bella muttered.

Tanya walked backwards until she had fallen out of the window and onto the grass below. The rest of the Cullens, apart from Rosalie who was still drunk upstairs, then noticed the flaming woman.

"Where is the fire extinguisher?" Carlisle screamed.

"I threw it at the postman two days ago!" Emmett replied.

"And why did you do that?" Carlisle asked, still screaming.

"Because he forgot my latest issue of _Builder's Bum Weekly_. This month they had Joe the plumber on the front!" Emmett apologetically screamed.

By this time it was too late to save Tanya. She was now ashes on the Cullen lawn.

The Cullens, minus Rosalie, with Jacob and Bella gathered around her body outside.

"Alice! Why didn't you see this coming? What were you _doing_?" Esme asked.

"Do you really want to know?" Alice innocently questioned.

The vampires looked at one another in silence; then all hung their heads.

Emmett's rose up. "HELL TO THE YEAH!"

The subject of conversation was swiftly changed.

"Thanks a lot, Bella, thanks a lot." Edward muttered as he walked away from the ash pile.

"For what? Ending your budding romance with long legs over there?" Bella looked to the ash pile. _Not so long legs anymore_, Bella thought.

"No! For killing my one and only friend that I was _NOT _related to!"

"Oh…" Bella suddenly felt regretful of her actions.

Everyone was silent.

"Do you think that if Bella ate those ashes, she'd become a vampire?" Emmett broke the silence.

The rest of the vampires looked at him sternly. He hung his head in shame.

"Oh look, an escape. Aah!" was suddenly heard by everyone. They looked up to find Rosalie stumbling towards and then falling out of Edward's window. She landed perfectly in Emmett's arms and groaned.

"You're awake!" exclaimed Emmett, "Bed time!" Emmett ran inside and upstairs with Rosalie. The rest of the Cullens tried to change the subject to block out the ever loudening noise.

Just then, Edward pulled Jacob aside and started attacking him. The rest of the Cullens went inside to watch.

Bella tried to stop Edward, but it was no use. Jacob was almost dead by this point.

All of a sudden, deeper in the forest, Billy could be seen running past.

"Oh, Jacob. Such trouble you get into sometimes…" He said, before running away.

"Yo, Billy!" Bella shouted. Billy turned. "I thought you were in a wheelchair!"

"Em, I was driving in the movie! Didn't you see me?!?" Billy paused. "Bella, have you lost weight in the past hour?"

"Oh Billy, thanks!"

And at that, Billy ran out of view.

Bella then looked to her nearly dead friend lying on the ground. Sadness overwhelmed her. She turned to Edward. "You know how to make this right, right?"

Edward looked puzzled.

"Bite him. Right now."

"What? I shall do no such thing! Do not insult me like that!"

This same argument went on for another eighteen minutes before Edward had given in to Bella, and had decided to bite Jacob.

The pair turned to look at Jacob to find him dead, and Jasper lying, licking his lips, beside him.

Jasper could feel Edward's anger building up inside him.

"That was so worth it…" Jasper muttered, smirking at the now raging Edward.

"Is this the part where you rip your shirt off?" Bella asked Edward.

"Bella. Go home. Now." Edward replied sternly.

Bella nodded and started slowly limping, dragging her cast behind her, towards the edge of the forest.

"Fucking Cullens, what did I ever do to them, eh? And they treat me like I'm so fucking different. Little shits of vampires, they are. If they really were vampires, they would have eaten me by now. Duh! Isn't that what they're supposed to do anyways! Fucking shits, not even proper vampires they're not, and what have they ever fucking done for me?" Bella said to herself, murmuring under her breath. To any passer-by it looked like mental illness, which in a way, it was.

But the only passer-by was Charlie in his cruiser. He was extremely alarmed by Bella's actions. He pulled over, got out of the cruiser, picked up Bella and bundled her in the back seat.

Once home, Charlie sat Bella down on the sofa. He then noticed her bitchy muttering were now on the subject of him and his shenanigans. Instead of listening, he forced a bundle of sedatives and a glass of water down her throat.

Once Bella was completely out of it, the phone rang.

Charlie reluctantly answered.

It was Edward.


	10. Chapter 10

**{Author's note:**

**This is the last ever chapter ever!**

**Catriona's skiing and Sarah is in Crieff or somewhere that I can't spell. I (Claire) finished the last three chapters by myself.**

**We are grateful to every single reader, especially to the ones who read the whole piece!**

**If you liked it, please give us a nice review!**

**And if your name is "MichaelMiaRocks" or you've read it all and didn't like it, we honestly couldn't care less. Even if we tried.**

**Thank you all so much! Just to let you know we wrote over 46 pages on word, and we probably wouldn't have it hadn't been for our awesome readers and reviewers!} **

"Edward, I'm so glad you called…" Charlie said, as he saw out of the corner of his eye Bella beginning to hump the sofa she was asleep on. He sighed.

"Well, I just thought I ought to tell you what happened today," Edward calmly replied, "where is Bella now?"

"I gave her a few sedatives; she's asleep on the sofa. I think she's dreaming about you," Charlie said, trying not to look at Bella.

"Oh. Sorry about that. Well, today, something happened."

"I picked Bella up. She was talking to herself as if no one else was there. Has she been doing that a lot lately?"

"Well…"

After Edward had told Charlie _a version _of the events, including no flaming arrows and vampires, they both came to a rather extreme conclusion.

"Right, that'll be fine. Tomorrow you guys can have a talk with her, and then Carlisle and I can take her to the asylum. Does that fit in with your plans?"

"That'd be great." Just as Charlie was going to end the phone call, Edward suddenly asked, "Charlie, how long have you been thinking about this?"

"Since she was about seven years old, actually. Renee has always wanted her in one, I just thought Forks would be good for her. You know many nut jobs live round here and no one does anything about it? Ridiculous. But Bella needs to go. I know that know."

"I think it would be best; are you sure Renee will be okay about it?"

"She'll celebrate. She's sending me all kinds of leaflets about asylums for years, but I've always said no. Everything will be fine. Now you can go tell your family."

And at that, the phone conversation was over.

The next day, Charlie led Bella into the woods, only to discover the whole Cullen family waiting for her. Bella was confused as Esme stepped forward.

"Bella, dear. You're behaviour has been so erratic ever since you got here; we've been very worried. We all think it would be best if you went to, as Charlie has told you, the happy farm."

"What is this?" Bella asked, still confused at the mention of behaviour and happy farms.

Carlisle stepped forward. "It's an intervention. We're doing this only because we care about you, Bella. We all care about you very much."

Bella smiled and turned to meet Jasper's eyes, as he now stepped forward.

"I'm really sorry I never had the chance to taste your sweet blood." Jasper said, while licking his lips at the thought.

"Thanks, Jasper." Bella once again smiled.

Next, Rosalie stumbled forwards drunkenly.

"I think," she slurred out, "you're a b-b-b-bbi-bi-is-bitch!"

Emmett then picked her up and threw her towards a nearby tree.

"You're intervention is tomorrow, Rose. Today is Bella's! God!" Emmett shouted before muttering "drunk" under his breath and stepping forward.

"Well, I think that you're going to be missed, erm, well…that's it really."

Bella mumbled "thank you" and looked to Alice. She reluctantly stepped forward.

"You know, I may not have been doing the most interesting stuff over the past few days, but I don't expect to be ignored as a result!" Alice went on complaining about the lack of plot surrounding her for the next minute or two, before finally giving up and stepping back. Bella's eyes turned to meet Edward.

He looked like he was going to be sick. He was staring at the fat bursting out of the short shorts she was wearing. He managed to compose himself and get to his main point.

"Bella, we're leaving. For many reasons. But mainly because we're sick of you. That is because of many things. Like your body odour. Most humans can keep their BO under control, but you seem to be an exception of that, because you smell _so BAD!_ Sometimes I can't bear it, I have to tell you I'm going hunting just to get away from the smell! And then, there's your lust for sex. WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! I NEVER HAVE AND I NEVER WILL! I ONLY MADE UP THAT WHOLE "NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE" THING TO SEEM LIKE A GENTLEMAN! OF COURSE I WANT SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE, I'M A GUY! ALL GUYS WANT SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE! IF THEY DON'T, THEY'RE EITHER GAY, CATHOLIC OR USUALLY BOTH! OR THEY THINK YOU'RE SO REPULSIVE THEY HAVE TO THINK ABOUT CARMEN ELECTRA WHEN THEY'RE KISSING YOU!!! YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID, I WISH I HAD JUST SUCKED YOUR BLOOD MONTHS AGO, IT WOULD HAVE SAVED US SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE! GOD! AND FUCKING HELL, BELLA, YOU'RE WEIGHT! DO YOU REALISE HOW MUCH FUCKING WEIGHT YOU'VE GAINED SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHETHER! YOU'RE LEGS ARE NO SO FAT YOU'RE CAST IS BREAKING! HERE'S A FUCKING WEIGHTWATCHERS APPLICATION FORM YOU FAT WHORE, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT GOING TO NEED IT BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO A FUCKING LOONEY BIN WHERE THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE YOU A FUCKING CUSTOM STRAIGHT JACKET BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FUCKING FAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIT IN TO THE EXTRA LARGE ONES! AAAH!"

Edward was raging, and Bella had not been listening to most of it. She always found him sexy when he was angry at her. And with that, she jumped on him and started kissing him.

At first Edward was disgusted. Then repulsed. Then nauseated. He managed to remove her lips from his face as he held her face in his hands. He smiled sweetly at her.

"And the lion fell in love with the lamb…" Edward romantically said, still holding her face in his hands. "UNTIL THE LION GOT SICK OF THE HORNY LITTLE LAMB!" Edward shouted as he threw her away from him. She landed near Charlie, who got her up on her feet.

"Okay, Bella. Time to go to the happy farm!" Charlie said excitedly.

"Where is it?"

"A tad East of the jail,"

"Isn't there a mental asylum near there?"

"Ha ha ha…erm…umm…ha ha ha…erm…funny you would mention…umm…ha ha ha… he he he…umm…erm… well… funny one….good…er…umm….well…shhh…we…lll…the….hap….umm…ermm, … well actually there is." Charlie stammered out.

"What's it like?" Bella innocently asked.

"Well… there are lots of people like Carlisle there," Charlie nodded at Carlisle and Carlisle took a few steps closer to Bella.

"Blondes?" Bella suddenly felt a piercing in her leg. She looked out to find Carlisle injecting her.

Bella did not feel as dizzy as she expected to.

"Sorry Charlie, there's too much fat. I'll have to use a larger needle." Carlisle pulled an extremely large needle from his pocket, as well as a hammer and his latest issue of _Volturi Monthly_. He injected Bella, and soon enough Bella was out, and Charlie had thanked the Cullens before bundling Bella in the boot of the car and beginning to drive towards the asylum.

Edward had a deep, thoughtful look on his face as he stared into the distance. There seemed to be a tear rolling down his face.

Jasper asked, "Edward, are you crying?"

Edward used his index and middle fingers to see what was streaming down his cheek. He examined it carefully, and turned to face Jasper.

"I think a bird just shat on my face." Edward replied as Jasper nodded, understanding.

The two guys then turned to see Emmett curled up beside a tree, sobbing. They both raised one eyebrow, and Emmett fought through his sobs to say, "I'm going to miss her so much! I mean, who else am I going to get drunk on a trampoline?"

"What?" Edward asked.

"I have it on video," Emmett replied.

Edward suddenly had a genius idea.

"YOUTUBE!" He screamed.

And then the Cullens, arm in arm (apart from Rosalie, who was too busy hugging a tree), began to walk into the sunset. Alice broke away to turn around and give the authors the middle finger, before once again joining the line. As they walked quietly through the forest, Edward stopped everybody. All their faces turned to Edward's curiously.

"Does anybody know where the fuck my diary is?"

**{Thank you to everybody who took the time to finish reading this.**

**We are grateful for every hit or visit we get. **

**I hope you look forward to our stories in the future!**

**Love from Catriona and Claire (and Sarah for her awesome help)**

**Xoxo}**


	11. Chapter 11

**Now I know you thought we had finished it but we decided to do this extra chapter. This really is the end. ******** but be warned, you may not like it. We have put a warning in the story just before the controversial part. It's nothing sick, or violent but we decided to stay true to the tone of the rest of the story.**

**Here goes, hope you like it!**

**Read and review please!**

**The Edward Diaries: 5 years on**

Bella stumbled through the woods in the dark; the remains of her extra small straight jacket, in tatters, blowing in the wind.

After five years of institutional life, Bella was glad to have escaped.

*FLASHBACK*

It was the third day. Of her second year, that is, in the happy farm. (It is actually called "The Happy Farm institution")

Due to the diet of medication, and… medication, Bella was back to a US Size 2.

**Carlisle changed the prescription to diet pills and only diet pills.**

After having been removed from Edward's influence, with his mood swings, Bella was now a much more stable person.

But there was no denying that Bella was not happy. Not even remotely so.

Every day during visiting time Bella would sit eagerly, staring at the door, only to have her hopes crushed when only Charlie came, time and time again.

Not only that but whenever Carlisle touched her hand to inject her with something her heart beat immediately spiked at the memory of Edward's cold skin on hers.

On that day, as Carlisle handed her her medication, he sat down next to her.

"Bella, I can't help but notice you haven't made many friends here," Carlisle filled the awkward silence as Bella gulped down her diet pills.

Bella was confused and looked pointedly at the other patients in the room.

There was Bill, the postman, who suffered severe memory loss after having been it on the head by a fire extinguisher, thrown by a certain vampire. He was convinced he was a seven year-old girl. He spent his days desperately searching for his Barbie doll, accusing many of stealing it, and asking many others if they were Barbie.

Right at that moment, Bill glanced up and watched Bella notice him.

"Bella, do you know where Barbie is? I KNOW YOU HAVE HER! I KNOW YOU PLAY VOODOO WITH ROSALIE ON HER! I KNOW YOU CUT HER HAIR OFF! I KNOW! I KNOW YOU DID IT!"

Bella shook her head and her eyes drifted to the person sitting across from him.

Bob was a patient with schizophrenia, who also went by the name of Pierre, Red Dragon, Wang Jiaming, and Moses.

Pierre was his French alter ego. He worked at Vogue, and when Pierre had control of Bob, he would rip off patients' strait jackets and told them their clothes were "So…2007".

Red Dragon was a cowboy. And the doctors feared this alter ego, as he galloped round on an imaginary horse, screaming "Yee-ha!" and scaring the other patients.

Wang Jiaming was a Chinese 14 year-old boy who liked to cross-dress.

Moses was convinced he was the Messiah. He used to sit with patients and bore them to literal death with his sermons on the greatness of God.

As Bob sat maintaining a conversation all 4 of his alter egos at once, Bella turned to look at the last patient in the room. It was Ben Cheney.

Ben had been admitted due to anger issues, screaming for a girl named Angela, and screaming in outrage at not being included in a movie called "Twilight".

In that moment, Ben started another rant.

"OMG! WHY DID THEY NOT INCLUDE ME? AM I JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM! ANGELA IS MINE! IS SHE JUST MEANT TO BE WITH ERIC NOW?! HE'S JUST WEIRD ANYWAY! THEY ONLY INCLUDED HIM TO MAKE THE MOVIE MULTI-CULTURAL! ANGELA! NOOOO! I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! ANGELAAAAAaaaaaa….."

Ben then collapsed to the floor after being injected with a sedative by a doctor.

Bella turned to Carlisle. "Who the hell do you expect me to make friends with?"

Carlisle sat not knowing what to say.

Bella hesitantly asked, "So, how are the family."

Carlisle's expression changed and said sternly, "Bella, you just have to forget. It'll be easier that way."

As Carlisle walked away a tear ran silently down Bella's cheek and she felt her heart break into even smaller pieces.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

Bella continued to stumble through the dark forest, thorns cutting her legs. Bella didn't even feel the pain as there was already too much in her body to deal with any more.

For a second she asked herself whether she should have escaped. The answer was instantaneous. Yes.

That day Bella had been sitting trying to converse with Ben as he screamed for Angela, when two nurses walked past. Bella listened to their conversation.

"So are you going tonight?" Said the first.

"Of course! I wouldn't miss Dr Cullen's LEAVING PARTY for anything. It's going to be so hard to say good bye and such a great doctor and his ENTIRE FAMILY!"

"His entire family, you mean including, Rosalie, and Jasper, and Emmett, and Alice and Esme, and that other boy, what's his name again? The one with the bronze hair? You, know! The REALLY HOT ONE! With that perfectly sculpted face and those golden topaz melted butterscotch fudge browny eyes?

The other nurse thought to herself. At overhearing this conversation Bella's heart turned to ice.

They were leaving. Edward. Was leaving. Without another thought Bella jumped from her chair and ran up to the nurses.

"HIS NAME IS _EDWARD_ OK?!"

"Oh yeah! That's it!" Said the first nurse happily. "How do you know him Bella?"

"Well, you see…" Said Bella, launching into full scale romantic story mode.

_- 3 hours later _-

"….and then I came here." The nurses sat enraptured, nibbling on their popcorn.

"OHHH! So that's why they are leaving! They are supernatural, immortal monsters! And they must leave so people don't notice that they aren't aging!" said the second nurse, relieved at finally having an explanation for Dr Cullen's lack of wrinkles, other than Botox.

The first nurse looked confused. "Wait, I thought they were leaving because you were a fat, smelly whore…no offence"

Bella looked extremely offended. "I lost that weight! I'm skinny now and I shower daily! And my heart only belongs to Edward!"

The nurses looked at each other.

"We'll help you! Jump in the laundry basket! You can escape!"

The nurses then proceeded to then sprint down the corridors pushing the laundry basket containing Bella.

They stopped at a side door and Bella jumped out of the laundry basket.

She turned to look at the utterly deserted corridor.

"Okay, what was the point of the laundry basket – no one is here!"

"PLOT WAS THE POINT! OKAY? PLOT, PLOT!"

Bella thanked the nurses and after they gave her a pep talk consisting of "you deserve love, girlfriend!" and "go get your man back! And maybe stop for a burger!"

Bella nodded and turned to start running through the forest.

"Wait!" the nurses called, "the Cullens' house is that way," they pointed, "and they're leaving in five minutes! Hurry!"

Bella thanked them once again and continued to sprint through the trees.

Bella counted down the seconds in her head. _4 minutes 50 seconds, 4 minutes 49 seconds, 4 minutes 48 seconds,…_

She pushed herself until her legs were screaming and she was gasping for air but she didn't slow. She wasn't going to lose Edward due to her stupid mistakes. Again.

Before she knew it her countdown was at under a minute. Tears streamed down her face as it reached thirty seconds.

She continued to run and screamed, "Edward! Wait!"

Fifteen seconds. "EDWARD!"

Ten seconds. "STOP! WAIT!"

Five seconds. "PLEASE EDWARD, YOU CAN'T LEAVE! I LOVE YOU!"

Zero.

As Bella's time ran out she slowed to a stop, tears running freely now. She sank to the ground sobbing. "Edward, oh Edward please come back…"

Only silence answered her. Screaming the truth; Edward was gone.

Bella stood on her shaking legs and raised her eyes to look at the Cullen's house in front of her.

Deserted. Cold. It was an empty shell, just like her heart. In that moment her heart shattered and she knew she couldn't take it anymore.

She turned and ran back into the forest towards La Push. Desperate for an escape from her pain.

She reached her goal several minutes later. The La Push cliffs.

The sun was rising over the horizon. It was beautiful but Bella didn't even pause to look at it. She stepped slowly up to the cliff edge.

She closed her eyes, picturing Edward's face. His voice, his smell, the way his cold arms felt around her.

Images flashed before her eyes. The first time they talked, the first time they kissed. The first time he told her he loved her.

She remembered lying with him in the meadow. She remembered long peaceful nights spent in his arms. Reading Edward's diary entry when he talked of his love for her. These were the memories she would take with her into the dark. Not memories of his _other _diary entries.

With a deep breath Bella stepped forward so her feet were on the edge of the cliff. She closed her eyes and whispered. "Goodbye Edward."

As Bella stepped forward towards the peace death would offer her she heard the voice she had been longing for for five years.

"NO! BELLA STOP!"

Bella was surprised that the voice in her memory was so vivid. She knew it couldn't be real. Edward was gone. He couldn't have cared less.

She whispered to herself, "If only you really did care Edward…"

She stepped forward once again only to find that two strong cold arms wrapped around her waist and turned her around.

His face was like a shot of adrenaline to her frozen broken heart. Bella shook her head and turned once again to the cliff.

"NO BELLA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"No," she muttered, "I only want to think that you care. That's the only reason my brain has conjured up this dream."

Edward turned her around once again and looked into her eyes.

"I DO care, Bella."

Reality slowly dawned on Bella. Edward was really there. He wasn't a dream, a hallucination or a figment of her imagination.

"You're really here…"

"Yes Bella! Alice saw you come here so I came as fast as I could."

"Why. Why did you save me? You put me in the asylum. You didn't visit me once in five years. Why should I believe that you care now?"

"I didn't visit because it was too hard for me Bella. To see, you and know I could not have you. I was horrible to you Bella and I still cannot forgive myself for that. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone that won't be constantly hurting you and putting you in danger."

Bella stood frozen at the cliff's edge as Edward's words sunk in.

"But I still don't understand Edward. Why you would still come for me after all that has happened, after all we've both said and done. Why?"

"I know at times I acted like an idiot, an idiot I was for not spending every moment of my day with you, everyday. Bella I couldn't be more sorry for my actions if I tried. I tried to visit you so many times, but Carlisle wouldn't let me, he was adamant that you needed to move on so you could get better."

"And you think this is making it better? How will I ever recover from this? You will find a reason to leave me, I know you will, whether it be for my sake or yours. You should go, you shouldn't be messing with my fate any more than you already have."

"Bella don't do this. I still love you, and I know you still love me too. I will never leave you again, I swear. I will always love you, and all I want is you. Please, Bella, try and understand."

Bella realised at that very moment that Edward wasn't lying, and that he truly did love her, and want to be with her, whether she was fat, or thin, crazy, or sane.

"I love you too Edward. I always have, I always will."

Edward and Bella's faces leaned in towards each other. Their noses brushed before Bella took a step forward to give him the kiss that would start their new and better life together.

Edward heard something deep within the rock crack. He thought nothing of it and moved his hand so it could hold Bella's.

In that moment, a tiny chip of rock was dashed from the cliff face by a wave. The rock it had been supporting began to give way.

Edward loosely intertwined his fingers with Bella's and leant forward to kiss her.

Before they could kiss, the rock gave up its struggle against gravity. Bella whispered, "I love you," but it was swallowed by the deafening sound of the piece of rock Bella had been standing on crashing into the ocean. Her fingers slipped through Edward's grasp.

He had not held her tight enough. And forces they could not control had ripped them apart.

As the rock fell into the ocean, Edward heard Bella's surprised intake of breath before she plummeted into the freezing cold waves, with heavy rocks falling on and around her.

Darkness swallowed Bella.

Edward stood still in shock, staring at his empty hand, which was still extended to the place where Bella had been, and to where his future had been. These places were now filled with emptiness, trapping Edward.

**Author's note: Don't say we didn't warn you. You may not like this…**

A nanosecond after Bella hit the ocean, Carlisle appeared behind Edward, his hand on Edward's shoulder to snap him out of his daze.

"Edward! What are you doing? You can still save her! Quick, dive in and save her!"

Edward sighed deeply as he continued staring at the ocean. He seemed to hear Carlisle and pulled back the sleeve of his jacket. He looked down at his watch and noted the time.

He sighed again and turned to Carlisle, his face torn with indecision.

"But Carlisle!" moaned Edward childishly, "Gossip Girl starts in two minutes! I will not sacrifice the opportunity of knowing whether Dan and Serena's relationship makes it or not over Bella, who I haven't seen in five god damn years!"

"Edward! Bella is your life! You love her! You have to save her!"

"But…but I love Gossip Girl more! I need to know what happens between Chuck and Blair, between Dan and Serena, between Nate and probably every other girl on the planet he's so hot! I NEED TO KNOW!"

Carlisle stood staring at Edward in disbelief.

Emmett popped his head up out of literal nowhere to say, "But Edward! She's not fat anymore! She's hot! You have to savour this stage! Before you know it she'll be a drunk and in rehab for five years and then, STILL A DRUNK! I MEAN WHO THE FUCK OWNS THAT SHIT OF A REHAB CENTRE! THEY DON'T FIX ANY PROBLEMS! And then, before you know it, they're all "it's your fault Emmett! Your fault!" and you're like "no it's not! Just because I'm the insensitive person on the planet who only married her because she was a hot blonde who was willing to sleep with me that does not mean I drove her to insanity and drunkenness!""

Carlisle and Edward stood opened mouthed in shock at Emmett's outburst.

Then Edward realised the main thing he hated about Bella. Her open-mouthness. He shut his mouth in self-disgust.

Emmett continued rambling. "So if you won't save her, I will! I'm tired of being alone in bed when all I can hear is your sobs as you watch the season one finale of gossip girl OVER AND OVER AGAIN! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THEY SPLIT UP! GET OVER IT! AND AS IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, YOU MAKE YOUR OWN VERSIONS OF ALL THE SONGS ON THE SOUNDTRACK, AND ANY SONG THAT COMES ON THE RADIO. GET A LIFE YOU FUCKING LITTLE MANIAC! I'LL GO IN THERE AND SAVE YOUR LOVER'S ASS AND THEN SHE'LL MARRY ME AND I'LL DYE HER HAIR BLONDE AND CALL HER ROSALIE AND YOU'LL STILL BE ALONE!"

During this exchange, they had failed to notice Jasper dive into the ocean. He then resurfaced with Bella and dragged her limp body, by her brown hair, up onto the beach below the cliffs. He then commenced to suck her body dry of blood.

Emmett turned towards the ocean as he prepared to save Bella, and spotted Jasper.

"NOOOO!" Emmett screamed.

Carlisle and Edward turned towards Jasper.

They saw Jasper taking his last gulp of Bella's blood; and sitting back, with a sigh, licking his lips contentedly.

They also saw Bella's broken, pale, dead body totally drained of blood.

Carlisle exclaimed. "Jasper, what the fuck are you doing? You just killed Edward's one true love!"

Japer replied indignantly, "Well Edward wasn't going to SAVE her so I decided to SAVOUR her."

Edward sighed and walked toward Jasper, putting his hand on his shoulder. Jasper recoiled terrified of what Edward was going to do to him.

"It's ok Jasper; I know how hard it is for you. I thought many times about doing what you just did. I forgive you."

Jasper looked incredibly relieved. "Oh thank god I was worried there. Since we're getting everything out in the open I think you should know that I killed Esmeralda a few decades back."

Edward's face contorted with anger and hatred and he launched himself at Jasper with a feral snarl. They then proceeded to have a huge fight. Edward was enraged over the death of Esmeralda.

As they fought Emmett slowly made his way over to Bella's body. He fell to his knees at her side and put his hand on her cheek.

"NOOOOOOOO! ROSALIE! YOU CAN'T DIE! MY ROSALIE! COME BACK TO ME! I LOVE YOU!"

At that exact moment far away in the expensive rehab centre she was placed in, Rosalie jumped off a table with a rope around her neck in an attempt to hang herself. After dangling for a while she remembered hanging would not kill her. She didn't need to breathe. With a sigh she pulled herself down and went over to the fireplace. There she sat down peacefully in the fire; before ripping her own head off.

Alice had seen this coming but once again the authors could not be bothered to write about it.

Edward and Jasper were distracted from their fight by Emmett's screaming. They looked on in disbelief.

"WHY GOD, WHY! WHAT DID MY ROSALIE EVER DO WRONG! NOOOOO! MY ROSALIE!"

Emmett then broke down into sobs.

Edward was too shocked to reprimand Emmett for treating his true love's corpse as that of his wife's.

Edward heard a quiet laugh beside him and he turned to see jasper recording the entire scene on his phone.

"Jasper! He's our brother! How could you do such a thing?!"

Japer replied, " Would you think differently if I told you that Emmett was the one that persuaded me to kill Esmeralda?"

Edward nodded and to Jasper he muttered, "Asylum?"

Jasper replied, "Hell to the yeah! I'm sick of Emmett! Oh should we youtube this?"

"Hell to the yeah!" Edward shouted.

Carlisle stood shaking his head and muttered to himself. "Why do I feel déjà vu right now?"

Esme walked toward Carlisle. "Because you watched it last night, silly!"

Carlisle, Esme and Jasper then dragged Emmett from Bella's corpse while he continued to scream for Rosalie. A few hours later Emmett found himself in a high security mental asylum.

Edward watched his family disappear. He slowly walked over to Bella's body and knelt down beside her. He cupped his hand around her cheek which was now as cold as his own skin. He slowly moved his hand so it was placed over her now-still heart. He slowly wound his fingers around the locket around her neck.

"Wait, I gave this to her…"

Edward opened the locket and inside was a photo of Himself and Bella together in the Meadow. He had photo-shopped them there as he had never actually remembered to take a camera.

He turned the locket over.

"Oh! I bought this from Tiffany's! It cost a bomb! Well this is technically mine…."

Edward then reached behind Bella's head and unclipped the necklace, slipping it into his pocket.

Without a backward glance at Bella Edward turned to look out at the ocean.

It reminded him of an episode of _The O.C., _Season 3 episode 1 "The Aftermath" to be precise. When the core four were on Marissa's dad's boat together, and Marissa and Ryan were together, and Seth and Summer were together, but then they had to go to school and Marissa was expelled for having shot Ryan's brother Trey at the beginning of Summer. The season, not the person.

As Edward quietly mused over o.c. plot lines, two teenage girls on jet skis came into views.

It was the authors.

He waved eagerly to Claire and Catriona, as they laughed over teasing their readers with the hope that the story could become even slightly normal, serious or believable.

As they disappeared into the distance, a pedal boat came into view. It was being driven and steered by Billy.

Edward was confused as to how Billy could be driving the pedal boat. Wasn't he disabled? Then Edward realised Billy had been driving in the film, driving the Quileute shuttle bus, and had run past his house whilst he had been killing Jacob.

He seemed to be waving something in the air. Edward focussed his eyes on the object in Billy's hand. It was his journal.

Billy shouted, "This is fucking hilarious, Edward, you should get this published! The guys on the reservation are going to piss themselves!"

_That's where the fuck my diary is,_ Edward thought to himself, as he began to get his phone out of his pocket.

After deleting Esmeralda's number, Edward received a call.

Edward answered reluctantly as the number was not given.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Mr. Record Dealer, from SONY BMG Record Company. We are aware you sent us two CDs, is that correct?"

"I thought I only sent you one…"

"Well, one was filled some classical shit, but the other was really good! You're covers are incredible, and you're other compositions are new and fresh. We're willing to give you a six album contract, are you willing to sign it?"

"HELL TO THE YEAH!" Edward screamed, filled with joy.

Edward hung up the phone and began jumping with joy.

Several thousand miles away, Alice hung up the phone with an evil smile.

_I did something worth writing about now, didn't I?_

-THE END-

**Author's note: we are sorry for that huge plot twist but in our story Edward and Bella cannot be normal. It's just not funny that way. We understand if you hate us but don't sat we didn't warn you.**

**If you don't hate us and enjoyed that plot twist then thanks, for enjoying our story.**

**This really is the end now - no more!**

**We are currently planning a new fan fic so expect it in the next few weeks. It will be just as out of control, maybe ever more so!**

**Let's just say it includes Edward's long lost twin, Bella's extended family and some confusion over who Bella's ACTUALLY having sex with.**

**Lots of love,**

**Catriona and Claire**

**(with Sarah's help)**

**xoxo**


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